Stemming the Tidal Wave of Sexual Immorality: Helping Young Adults Stay Sexually Pure in a Promiscuous Society

By John J. Smid

The saintly Cure’ of Ars wrote in praise of the chaste young man: “Of all God’s creatures, none is more lovable and attractive than a young man devoted to his faith, especially when by the help of the divine grace he has preserved his innocence and purity of heart.”

Billy Graham says, “Sexual sin brings about a drive to look for new means of sexual excitement — and brings about guilt, remorse, and inner conflicts. It places people in the grips of insecurity; and, if not checked, will bring about psychoneurosis and the contemplation of suicide.” Graham’s words speak volumes regarding the teen suicide epidemic in our nation.

I often ponder why we are drawn to the concept of youth. I also wonder why the sexual lure in our pop media is targeted toward younger and younger people. Ads use soft porn when they utilize scantily clad children to sell clothing.

I have resolved my questions by realizing that purity in the lives of young adults is being broken earlier and earlier. Christians are straying from God’s Word and following the world’s way of living when it comes to relational standards. It is more difficult for the teenagers and young/single adults in our churches to perceive what purity is and understand its importance.

Where have our young people learned their lessons on sexuality and relationships? Think about a modern convenience many have stuck to their car’s windshield — the radar detector. A friend in my men’s accountability group described a conversation he had with a friend while riding in his car. “Bill, what are you saying to your children about sin when you turn on your radar detector?” He continued, “You are saying that it is all right to sin as long as you do not get caught.”

Can you see the profound message in that little black box? “Son, you can speed as long as you do not get caught, so protect yourself. Make sure you have your radar detector turned on.”

Modern culture also speaks profound messages when it distributes condoms, advocates birth control, approves abortion, and communicates the deception in the safe sex message. These messages scream: “You can have sex all you want; just don’t get caught by unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”

How does a pastor counteract this message? What can he do to stem the sexual tide and challenge his young people to live sexually pure lives? True freedom is found in God’s truth. His standards are the only goal worth striving for. I discovered this in my life. And I am committed to sharing this truth.

My Story

Thirty years ago I was faithfully married to my wife of 6 years, and we had two children. One year later, however, I committed adultery. I began marriage as a virgin, but the lust in my heart caused me to divorce my wife and begin a life of rampant, indiscriminate sexual behavior. After my marriage failed, I believed I could improve my life by looking for that right person with whom to build a successful, lifelong relationship. I wanted to be faithful; but since I abandoned my value system, it was easy to buy into the world’s system.

I was single for 9 years. During 4 of those years I built a painful history through my own choices. Then I met Jesus Christ in a real born-again experience. With His grace, He lovingly brought me to my senses. In 1984 I made the decision to live a chaste life with the hope He had something better for me.

After 5 years of growing and learning about my personal brokenness and selfishness, God blessed me with a second marriage. This time, two whole people came together with God to make a life out of truth and wholeness rather than sexual lust.

The consequences of my sin, however, still go with me. The scars of my selfishness play themselves out in my life and remain with those I sinned against. My greatest desire is to somehow prevent the damage in others that I incurred as a result of my ignorance. I hope my life will be a communicator of God’s grace for others as I have learned to receive it myself.

The Power of Sex

Sex has the power to:

• take us desperately away from God, or beautifully close to Him as we see His divine purpose for sexual intimacy.
• destroy relationships or greatly enhance marriage from its God-given design.
• cause deeply rooted shame, or with self-control build our sense of being and accomplishment to higher levels.
• physically wound us or even bring death.
• create new life through a married couple’s dream of having children.
• lure us into traps that can be difficult to escape from, or it can draw us into God’s plan for our lives where we will experience His joy.

The young and single adults in our churches need help and hope. Because of the power of sex, many in our churches are falling below the bar and feel stuck or ashamed of how far they have fallen. They need to know that sex with only one person for life is God’s standard. He created them, designed their blueprint, and knows how they function. They need to know God did not create them for sexual immorality because of its destructiveness. They need to know God allows them to participate in His creative power through sexual intercourse only within marriage.

Pastors must help young and single adults see the ways in which they are stimulating their sexual desires. What are they watching or engaging in verbally and socially? How does their manner of dress impact them personally or cause others to stumble? Exclusive relationships can deter healthy accountability as well. We must be willing to do some deep evaluation to learn how to do it right.

We must teach young adults that true love is more than attraction; it is reverence and respect for others. When the lust wears out, we are left with a choice — to love. It is important to help people learn the value of commitment as the most significant part of love. As leaders, we must teach and model healthy relationships and not avoid this difficult subject.

God has called us to treasure each other more than ourselves. A Christian man is to revere, honor, and encourage a woman toward virtue and the potential of motherhood. Why would a man interrupt such a godly plan by sexually violating her temple? A Christian man must be a vessel of protection, respect, and nurturing. Instead, many men have tempted women to adopt a false value though pleasing a man sexually to whom she is not married. A man must respect himself enough to remain faithful and committed to his Savior.

Do Not Be Afraid of the “S” Word

How can pastors help young people understand their sexuality, emotions, and actions more clearly? As pastors and leaders we must accept our role of educator in this process. First, it is imperative we have a solid biblical understanding about sexuality, singleness, marriage, and family. In a world that does not believe in Jesus, we must accept the fact our people may not be properly educated in what the Lord has to say about purity.

Second, pastors need to provide material that helps their young and single adults be more educated in relationships with the opposite and the same sex. Pastors must also be willing to bring in the experts. Utilizing people who can fill the places where he is not able is a sign of personal health.

Do not hesitate to teach on sexuality. Provide examples of healthy models of relationships, the benefits of sexual purity, and the fact God forgives our failures.

People will better receive your teaching as your share your own vulnerability. It is important that you evaluate your own sexual impulses, desires, mistakes, and the solutions that have worked for you. Teaching through modeling and honesty is the best form of education.

We must help young and single adults understand their underlying emotions and reactions. A person’s compulsive negative actions are often connected with the fact he does not deal responsibly with his feelings. I often say, “Healthy people don’t act out in compulsive sexuality.” Healthy people do not do those things. It is important to pursue emotional and relational health as an aspect of changing unhealthy sexual patterns.

Teach True Love

I did not learn until after I was married the second time that true love is based on commitment, not on how I feel any given day. It is important we teach single and young adults about healthy love, committed love, unconditional love, and how to better understand the concepts of lust and sexuality.

I was relieved to know my relationship with Jesus is not based on how I feel. It is based on my unconditional commitment to Him. I realized this was the same for my marriage, friendships, and other relationships. Choosing to love is the key component to any relationship. Our feelings will change, but through the choice to love we nurture positive feelings.

Cohabitation

Cohabitation is common in today’s society. When men and women choose to live together out of wedlock, it is important for pastors to build a relationship with them individually. What motivates them? From where did their values come? After we gain their confidence, we must be honest about the consequences of their selfish sexuality.

We need to help young and single adults think about the consequences of their choices. When pastors do not emulate personal choices and model a process for making wise choices, they leave young adults to blindly follow today’s culture. By helping young people understand the principles behind biblical standards, we help them see the love of Christ behind His Word.

Help Young Adults Overcome Sexual Temptation

A man’s greatest desire for sex occurs during his teen and young adult years. Why would God create us that way? How can we ask young people to remain pure at a time when their sexual desires are the strongest? Curiosity about sexual matters is normal for young and single adults. However, just because they are adults and single does not make them knowledgeable about their sexuality. It is imperative we help them understand sexual temptation and how to deal with it in a biblical way.

God asks young men to exercise sexual restraint when it is the hardest so that after they marry they can live successfully with one woman for life. God prepares His children for a life of sexual and relational faithfulness through the discipline of chastity when they are young.

Overcoming a struggle with sexual temptation and inappropriate relationships requires personal honesty. Finding safe and mature people to open up to can be a daunting task for single and young adults. You can offer safety to someone who comes to you. A listening ear that understands the grace of God is probably the most significant component of safety.

Our willingness to share our struggles, temptations, and victories encourages others to fight the fight of faith. Helping people understand they are not alone is important in helping them stave off sexual temptations.

Teach the singles in your church how to be involved in Kingdom work. Provide them with biblical, contemporary, and historical models of single adults who have impacted their world for Christ. Jesus was single, and so was Paul.

When I was single, I learned that my life was totally free to serve the Lord. I could be involved in ministry several nights a week and on weekends. I could be involved in volunteer projects. This helped take my focus off my sexual and relational temptations and put my mind into positive and fun activities. Significant long-term friendships came from this season of my life.

Homosexuality

When I spoke of being promiscuous, it was with other men. I left that point out until now because I do not see my life as any different with regard to God’s standards concerning our sexuality. Adultery and promiscuity include sex with anyone outside of marriage.

Homosexual sex is wrong because two men or two women are never married in God’s sight. We cannot buy into the modern message that somehow those with homosexual inclinations are different. Homosexual people, unless they have married someone of the opposite sex, are single. God’s Word deals directly with this issue. There is not one positive reference in Scripture about a God-ordained or sanctified homosexual union or homosexual behavior.

Bring Restoration to Those Who Have Fallen

You may already have some in your church who have succumbed to the world’s standard. As their pastor, God has called you to:

• Restore the brother who is caught in a trespass (Galatians 6:1–4).
• Comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves have received (2 Corinthians 1:3,4).
• Treat prisoners as though we are fellow prisoners with them (Hebrews 13:3).

We must minister with the Spirit of Christ. We must reflect His care, His love, and His grace. We must support, encourage, challenge, and walk alongside them. This plan requires us to remain open and vulnerable so the grace of God can flow through us.

John J. Smid, Memphis, Tennessee, is founder and executive director of Grace Rivers discipleship ministry. He is available for speaking, church or ministry staff training, and conferences on relationships, sexuality, and family healing. John can be contacted at: jjsmid@gracerivers.com.