Q&A for the Pastor’s Wife

Being a pastor’s wife can be rewarding, yet sometimes challenging. In Enrichment journal’s desire to minister to the first lady of the parsonage, we are providing this Q&A for the Pastor’s Wife each quarter.

A Board Member’s Wife Is Particularly Critical And Negative. I Dread Seeing Her. What Should I Do When She Makes Loud, Negative Statements About The Church In My Presence?

Dealing with difficult people such as this person requires much wisdom and patience. Resist the urge to act impulsively, and take time to think and pray about the situation. If you respond emotionally in the moment, tensions can escalate quickly, drawing other people into taking sides. This can become ugly. Ask yourself, What might be the reason for her verbal bashing? The answer can determine your approach.

Her husband is on the board. He, therefore, works closely with your husband. Whatever approach you take could potentially affect your husband. Discuss your options with your husband so the two of you are united.

If it seems she is immature and behaves this way to gain attention, she probably lacks credibility with most of those listening anyway. When she is critical or negative, change the subject and divert attention to something else. Work on giving her positive attention apart from the public incidents, and enlist her cooperation in serving the church in an area where she is gifted. If she responds in a positive way, take time to ask her about her concerns and make suggestions about better ways to handle them.

If she did not express negativity in the past, perhaps personal issues or a hurt she has experienced in the church are contributing to her new behavior. If this is the case, talk to her privately, approaching her from a perspective of concern. “You have seemed upset lately. I’m concerned about you. Is everything all right? Is there anything I can do to help you?”

A person who is reasonable will respond well to a gentle approach and may feel relieved to be heard and cared for. Again, suggest ways she can share her concerns in a more constructive way.

If she seems to be a bitter and negative person, she will act in similar ways in most situations. Sometimes negative people influence others to negativity. If she has credibility, her behavior becomes more of a problem. If others are being drawn in to her negativity and the health of the church is at stake, a more direct approach should be taken. Determine whether you want to speak to her alone or with your husband present. If you decide your husband should be present, make sure her husband is present as well. This is important, to ensure her spouse is clear about what takes place at the meeting.

In your discussion, be clear about the behavior that is problematic. “I appreciate your concern for this church, but when you express your concerns in public it is difficult to properly address them. It also causes discomfort for those who do not know the whole story of what you are referring to. Would you agree to speak privately with me (or my husband, or a designated person) when something comes up?”

Keep your voice calm and matter-of-fact. Phrase your request in a question that requires a yes or no answer. Negative people may or may not be willing to receive input about their behavior. If she is not, she may get angry or withdraw. At this point, her husband’s role becomes important. The issue is now between the pastor and his board member.

Be vigilant about your own security regarding God’s will for your life. If you are secure in God’s ability to direct your life and the knowledge of your husband’s call to the church, you can rest on the truth that God is in charge of what happens there. No person can hinder that.

In the end, you will be challenged to grow to greater heights of maturity and rest in God’s providence and care for you. While handling this situation may be painful, you can only benefit.

Gabriele Rienas, Beaverton, Oregon

Editor’s note: In future issues of Enrichment, we will feature a column for the pastor’s wife by Gabriele. If you have questions you would like Gabriele to answer, send them to: enrichmentjournal@ag.org.