A Wife’s Journey — From Despair To Transformation

Mark and I had been married 15 years before I knew about his sexual addiction. It is unbelievable even to me that I could have lived with my husband for that many years and honestly say I had no idea he had a problem.

Our lives seemed normal. Our daughter and our two sons were active, healthy children. We were finally settling into our new community after Mark finished graduate school. We were developing careers, becoming involved in our children’s schools and activities, making friendships at our church and in our neighborhood, and serving in volunteer positions in the community. Life was good. We seemed connected. We were successful. We were a poster family to those who knew us.

When I look back on my life with the perspective and information I have today, I know I had many uncomfortable reservations about Mark’s behavior. I often lived in the silence of my own intuitions and sadness. When Mark was too attentive to other women, I would withdraw because I felt inadequate or unattractive. I blamed myself when Mark did not want to talk to me about his day at work. I felt inadequate and uninteresting. I justified his inability to be present in our marriage because he was overwhelmed with important work in the ministry. I did not want to bother him with my needs or desires.

Mark’s work was public — ministry, counseling, school board, lecturing — and it was difficult for me to find anyone to talk to about my feelings and concerns. I did not want to disrespect my husband. I learned to cope on my own through work, staying busy, parenting, and withdrawal. I often dreamed of something more for our marriage, but I did not know what it was or what I wanted.

During our 15th year of marriage, several of Mark’s colleagues from the counseling center came to our home and informed me that he had been acting out sexually. He had just been confronted about his inappropriate behaviors at the office, and they had immediately fired him. When he arrived home with the Christian medical doctor and the therapist, it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. They disclosed his involvement with clients and the counseling center’s need to let him go. They asked if I had any questions. They stayed only a few minutes. I was numb and in shock. I was truly heartbroken, and the life I thought I had was totally destroyed. When I glanced over at Mark, he was slumped over in his chair in despair. At that moment I lacked the strength to think, so the thought that came to me was surely from the Holy Spirit. It occurred to me that this problem might be related to what I was missing in my marriage. I held on to an unexplainable sense of hope.

With the help of a physician who was a recovering alcoholic, Mark entered an inpatient treatment program for sexual addiction. I joined him for family week during the third week of his hospitalization. There I found safe people to talk to and was given information about addiction. Participants and therapists listened to my sadness and anger. I was able to open up in ways that were new to me, and it felt wonderfully transforming.

The best decision I made was to join Mark in his therapy, growth, and healing when he returned home. I could have easily chosen to let Mark take care of his own problem. After all, his behaviors were the problem, and I was not responsible for his actions. I could have been angry that I spent time from my life working on his issues. But I realized in the first sessions of my women’s group that I was there for me. I felt growth bubbling up from inside. My craving for God to transform my character was infectious. Not only did Mark and I change from our therapy, but our relationship also grew closer. Real intimacy was developing for the first time in our marriage.

Mark’s brokenness about his sinful behaviors and his willingness to listen to my feelings about his betrayal were extremely helpful to me. He did not run from the pain he had caused me, but patiently heard my sorrows and questions. Those were the first steps to restoring trust and hope.

We both needed to learn how to be vulnerable with each other and how to ask for what we needed. There were many days when it felt as though we were going backward in our growth. We learned that changing the patterns we had established over many years would take time and practice, and we needed to trust in the process.

When I began to believe that God had a purpose and was accomplishing His will through our pain, I understood our suffering in a new way. Sexual addiction was not about me — I did not cause it, I could not control it, and I could not cure it. I could, however, learn valuable lessons on how I could meet the need for greater intimacy within our relationship. I needed to understand why my methods of coping with loneliness, sadness, fear, and anger had hurt my relationship. I began to ask myself: What did I do when I was hurting? Could I share my feelings? Did I live with expectations that I did not express and with assumptions that I hoped Mark might figure out? Did I want Mark to fix my hurts or take care of needs that I was unable or unwilling to take care of myself? Why was I not able to express my feelings or ask for what I needed? Did I know “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22,23)? Was I being the woman God wanted me to be in my relationship?

Through the brokenness that resulted from my own sinful behavior, I was able to join Mark on a journey where we could find unconditional love and acceptance for each other. I learned that I wanted the same things in our marriage that he did — to be heard and understood, affirmed, blessed, safe, touched in healthy ways, chosen, and included. When he did not meet my desires, I, too, had chosen behaviors to help me cope with my disappointment. We knew the same pain, but we chose different ways to express it.

God used Mark’s sexual addiction to take me from a place of bondage (thinking that I could control my life and my marriage) to a place of freedom (surrendering my life, Mark’s life, and our marriage to Christ). He has used the pain and suffering to change my life. Today, I can truly say that I am grateful. If Mark had not lost his job — had we no reason to enter therapy, learn about addiction, and join a community of people desiring to change — I would have stayed back in Egypt, with my thoughts and feelings held captive and with no tools to experience God’s greatest gift: unconditional love.

Debbie Laaser. Debbie participates with her husband, Mark, in spouses and couples workshops. Together, with Patrick Carnes, they have written Open Hearts, a book that deals with healing couple relationships.