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Hit by a Ton of Bricks

When pastors’ kids abuse drugs or alcohol — One pastor’s story.

By John Vawter

The Sunday afternoon call from our son started out ominously. “Mom and Dad, are you sitting down? Stephanie is using heroin.”

The emotional shock of learning our daughter was using heroin went beyond description — devastation, fear for her life, guilt, and questions about our parenting skills. Our wonderful daughter had fallen into the world of heroin without our knowing it. What signals had we missed? How could we have been so blind? How had she been so successful in lying to us?

My wife Susan and I knew we had to act. We were living in Phoenix; our daughter was living in Denver. But we could not locate her. Where was she?It turned out she was in Juarez, Mexico. Was she alive? Was she in prison? Was she in prostitution?The fearful questions tore at our minds like ravaging dogs; we seemed defenseless to stop the flood of fear. God seemed so remote; faith seemed so ineffectual.

That day of pain, which was so deep it has no name, was also my first Sunday as pastor at Bethany Community Church. I had resigned as president of Phoenix Seminary to return to pastoral ministry. We were not new to the area but new to the church. What would the church think? Would they want me as their pastor? The church’s response was love, affirmation, advice, and help.

We discovered Stephanie was returning to her home Monday night. We went to Denver, made arrangements for her at a detox center, and waited. When she was home, we walked in unannounced and said, “We know you have been lying to us and that you have been using heroin. We want you to come with us to get help.”

Her response was: “OK. But I will not go cold-turkey because I have tried to quit 10 times and thought I was going to die each time.”

As it turned out, she had cried out to God many times for deliverance. Her purse was full of cards with Bible verses related to God’s protection and deliverance. But God had a different plan for her — a plan that included a lot of hard and diligent work.

Stephanie went to detox in Denver and then chose to come to Phoenix for treatment at the hospital where my brother had been chief of staff of cardiology. When she checked in, we were asked by a number of people if she was related to Dr. Michael Vawter. That was an initial embarrassment, but we soon got over it because we realized our daughter’s treatment and sobriety were most important.

But how does this happen? I was a pastor; I had been the president of a seminary; my wife and I met when we were staff members with Campus Crusade for Christ; we had dedicated our children to Christ as infants and had prayed diligently that they would love God and live lives of purity. Plus, we are abstainers and spoke against drugs and alcohol when our children were younger and into their teen years.

It would have been easy to blame God, and I must confess that for a few moments I was tempted to do so. Gratefully, I quickly got away from that line of thinking because: (1) I believe God did not cause or plan for my daughter to be a heroin addict; (2) He would remain faithful, true, and close to Susan and me in spite of heroin having invaded our family; (3) such thinking was negative and would prove to be nonproductive because it would only focus our attention on the past and not motivate us to look forward to a drug-free and Christ-honoring future for our daughter; and (4) Jesus said, “The rain falls on the just and the unjust.” The proof of our faith and His faithfulness is how we respond to the rain in our lives.

There are many instances of God visiting Stephanie and manifesting himself in her life. Susan and I were allowed to visit her at the 48-hour mark in detox. This is when withdrawal is most intense — with the patient experiencing excruciating pain and illness as the drug works its way out of the body. When we arrived she was sitting on the patio in a dress, having just showered. She greeted us with these words, “Mom and Dad, I am not sick. God must be answering your prayers.”

Later, the psychologist at the treatment center told Susan and me, “I have never had a heroin patient who has gotten back their mental faculties as quickly as Stephanie.”

It would be wrong to formulate some kind of absolute principle out of how God has worked in Stephanie’s life. God is God, and He chooses to work however He wills. Although He has done profound and remarkable things in her life, she continues to live one day at a time because she is still tempted to medicate herself against reality by using drugs or alcohol. As she tells us in her experience with Alcoholics Anonymous, “There are some from whom God has removed the desire to drink or use drugs in powerful ways. There are others for whom it is a daily walk of faith and vigilance.”

As I write this, Stephanie is just days away from celebrating 53 months of sobriety — one day at a time. When I complimented her for her hard work, she responded, “Dad, I would rather work hard at staying off heroin than be working hard to find heroin.”

Stephanie is in college studying to be a drug counselor. She has taught a Sunday School class for mentally challenged adults and gone regularly to a women’s prison to talk about drugs and alcohol. As she says, “I had to dance with the devil to come back to God.”

Lessons Learned

Susan and I have learned a lot in the past 4 years. God is using our experience to encourage others. He comforts us in our afflictions so we may comfort others in theirs. God has also led us to start You’re Not Alone, a ministry for pastors whose kids are abusing drugs/alcohol.

Here are some highlights — negative and positive — we have learned in the past 4 years:

• People abuse drugs or alcohol to medicate themselves against emotional pain and the realities of life instead of giving them to God who tells us in 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” As someone said of drugs, “It feels good not to feel anything.”
• The Barna Group, in a study we commissioned, informed us that 17 percent of the pastors in America have a child who is abusing or has abused drugs or alcohol. Sadly, only 24 percent of those families have gone for help. We have had pastors from every theological background at our conferences for pastors whose kids abuse.
• There is great value in support groups. Susan and I attended Naranon, a support group for people whose loved ones use drugs. As I listened to others tell their stories, I realized these people were committed to getting healthy, learning not to enable the habit or behavior of their addicted loved ones, and trusting God however they understood Him. Although the meeting was not Christian, God spoke to me. I learned that often fathers of the addicts want to do serious physical harm to the drug dealers who supplied their child. I must confess I felt this temptation. I had to confess my hatred and let Christ cleanse me.
• Parents must focus on their own emotional and spiritual health. Too often the addict becomes the total focus of the parent, and damage is done to all other relationships, including one’s relationship with Jesus Christ.
• Parents must focus on their marriage. Drugs do bring tremendous stress into the family. It is easy to blame one another for the child’s mistakes. Issues and feelings need to be dealt with honestly.
• Parents must be proactive. If the child is underage, he or she must abide by parental rules. If parents suspect or confirm drug/alcohol abuse, I recommend a drug assessment at a treatment center.
• Parents, even Christian parents, cannot be naïve. Drugs/alcohol and lying go hand-in-hand. If children are abusing, they probably will lie to their parents about it. This is why we recommend searching their rooms for evidence if use is suspected.
• Parents must admit their child is abusing drugs/alcohol. This is difficult. Often parents do not know where to turn. But it is only that which we keep in the dark that keeps us from getting well. Parents must admit the problem so they can honestly call out to God for His help.
• There is no one correct answer in getting clean and then maintaining that lifestyle. We are careful not to say the way God dealt with our daughter is the way He will deal with everyone else’s child. But, we do say working with a drug counselor and having a drug evaluation are vital to recovery. And we are not averse to secular treatment centers. Many of the programs use similar methods. In many cases insurance coverage is the deciding factor.

Not many organizations speak to the issue of pastors’ kids abusing drugs or alcohol. Our website, www.notalone.org, can help. We continue to put information on the site that has proven to be helpful to other pastors whose kids are abusing. For information on conferences for pastors, missionaries, and Christian workers whose kids abuse drugs or alcohol, visit our website, or call 480-752-8994.

John Vawter, D.Min., director, You’re Not Alone Ministries, Scottsdale, Arizona.