The Pastor And Family Intimacy

By Gary Smalley

My wife, Norma, and I have been in ministry together for over 39 years. I served as a youth pastor 8 years and a family-life pastor 4 years. We have spent the last 27 years directing a marriage and family relationship ministry. Best of all, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary.

Over the years I have learned and taught many lessons about relationships and intimacy. However, there is one truth that stands above the rest: Life is relationships; the rest is just details.

Relationships are what truly matter in life. If you don’t believe me, ask someone who is about to die what is most important. I remember the day my life changed forever.

A fresh morning breeze brushed my face; the music of birds and water splashing over stones in the nearby creek produced a sound of sheer delight. I took a deep breath. I thought, It’s good to be alive.

My hunting partner, Junior, and I spotted a wild turkey. Although I had been an avid hunter as a boy, I fumbled with my gun. I thought it was the excitement of my first turkey hunt. But as I took aim, an unfamiliar discomfort gripped me; I was having trouble breathing.

As the trophy-sized turkey inched closer, I lowered my gun. I couldn’t understand why I had no strength. Something is wrong with me. Junior’s raspy whisper urged me: “Shoot … Shoot!”

Again, I lifted my gun, aimed, and pulled the trigger. At the same moment I shot, the turkey fell, and I crumpled. As I lay moaning on the ground, Junior reached down to help me to my feet. I could feel something was wrong. I was having a heart attack.

As Junior ran for the truck, I lay on the ground paralyzed with pain. Yet, I’ll never forget the peace that came over me. I was ready to die. “Lord, I’m ready to come home,” I whispered.

However, at that moment, I had one desire: to see my wife and kids one more time. None of the books I’d written, videos I’d made, conferences I’d spoken at, couples I’d counseled, awards I’d won, or any other accomplishment mattered. At that moment, nothing else mattered, but to say good-bye to my family.

As Junior carried me out of the woods, I didn’t know if I would live or die. Halfway down the mountain we connected with paramedics on a two-way radio. I was flown to a hospital about 50 miles from my home. Greg, my oldest son, lived there so he was the first to arrive at the hospital. As they wheeled me into the emergency room, my eyes locked onto Greg. I made it!

I don’t remember much of what happened next. I recall frantically trying to tell Greg what to say to each family member. The more I tried to articulate my good-byes, the more frustrated I became. Finally, Greg leaned over and said something that instantly calmed me. “Dad,” he whispered ever so gently, “we know.”

At that moment I realized my family already knew everything I wanted to tell them. They knew how proud I was of them, how valuable they were, and most important, that they were loved.

Holding my son’s hand, I thought about how much happiness and laughter filled my life as a father and grandfather. I felt fresh appreciation for the love I had received and given. Over the next 48 hours I had opportunity to ask myself what I had lived for — and what had given me such a sense of completeness and satisfaction. I realized anew that the most important thing in my life is relationships — not only with my family and friends and the people I meet all over the world, but with the God who walks with me “even through the dark valley of death” (Psalm 23:4, NLT).

Our Irresistible Longing For Relationships

The most miserable people are those who are emotionally alienated, disconnected from others, and alone. The most happy and fulfilled people are those who have close, quality relationships that endure through the good times and bad. Satisfaction in life, and completeness and fulfillment, are found in quality relationships.

Quality relationships start with an inner longing to experience the deep connectedness with another — to experience a sense of intimacy and closeness to family and acquaintances — husbands and wives, parents and children, brothers and sisters, and friend to friend. As people in full-time ministry we develop quality relationships by starting with the right foundation.

The Foundation: Safety

We must understand the importance of developing intimate relationships with our family and loved ones. We face many of the same challenges as other families, but as ministry couples we deal with some unique challenges as well. Many times I felt the tyranny of the unfinished. There was always more ministry that could be done. I often became sidetracked into thinking ministry took priority over my family.

Although misaligned priorities do not strengthen family relationships, the main culprit that destroys intimacy is feeling unsafe in our relationships. When we feel unsafe, our heart tends to close toward the other person. When our heart closes, we start to disconnect from that person. On the other hand, when we feel safe, our hearts open and intimacy takes place. Thus, the foundational component for intimacy is a truly safe environment — one that is safe physically, intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally.

People, by nature, want to be open and connect. No state of being takes less energy to maintain than openness. Maintaining defenses and working to get people to see you a certain way by projecting images, or trying to get people to like or accept you, requires significant energy.

When people are together in a state of openness, intimacy occurs naturally. Intimacy is being close to others and openly sharing with them. This may or may not include words. It doesn’t necessarily require work or effort. The mistake many make is trying too hard to be open or to create intimacy. This makes true intimacy harder than necessary. The easier approach to intimacy is to create a safe environment for yourself and your loved ones. When you and your loved ones feel safe, everyone will naturally be inclined to relax and be open. Then, intimacy will simply happen.

The best way to create a safe environment is to recognize the other person’s value. This is the essence of Romans 12:10: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love, preferring one another in honor.” I’ve built my 39-year ministry on this one principle — honor. Honor is acknowledging the value of your loved ones. Safety is created when we act in accordance with that perceived value.

As a pastor, this is where I struggled within my family the most. Many times my family felt devalued compared to my ministry. This is tragic. My legacy is not based on the size of the church or ministry I leave behind, but by my family relationships. When I was having my heart attack, my thoughts were on my family, not on my ministry. Honoring or valuing our family and acting accordingly creates safety.

Once a safe environment is created, we can build on that foundation by understanding what our mate, children, and teenagers need to strengthen our intimacy.

Building Intimacy With Your Spouse

If human relationships are to function as they were designed to, we must understand what each person needs to feel loved.

What is an emotional or relational need?

We all desire a lifelong marriage. No one gets married thinking, I can’t wait to spend the next 2 years with this person.We also desire a relationship that is enjoyable and thriving. To enjoy a lifelong and satisfying marriage, we must understand what our mate needs within the marriage relationship.

Relational needs are our wants, desires, and the things that make us feel loved or cared for. Relational needs require constant attention. Sadly, relational needs are often neglected in our marriages. When your mate’s relational battery is drained by living, working, children, friends, and just life in general, it needs to be recharged.

When needs are not being met, your marriage is at stake. Your mate can become defensive, argumentative, jealous, belligerent, withdrawn, or degrading of others. We also tend to be irritated, discouraged, edgy, hypersensitive, and reactionary to average events that occur in a typical marriage.

Furthermore, the need for companionship in a long-lasting relationship is so strong that men and women will go to any length to satisfy it. But if marriage isn’t meeting their needs, they may seek fulfillment outside the marriage through an emotional or sexual affair. They may also get these needs fulfilled at work, play, through relatives, friends, children, or in the community at large.

Discovering your mate’s needs

Before you can begin meeting your mate’s needs, you need to know what they are. The first law of fulfilling needs is to realize that everyone’s needs are different because they are based on personalities, backgrounds, and expectations. So you must first recognize your mate’s needs, as well as your own. To accomplish this, ask each other to respond to this statement: “I feel loved or cared for when you …” Your answers will unlock the door to your greatest relational needs.

Just 20 minutes per day

Your spouse’s relational batteries will be recharged when you attend to his or her needs. According to Dr. John Gottman, this can take place in as little as 20 minutes a day. Gottman discovered the difference between a couple who divorces and one that is unhappy but stays together is where the couple spends 10 minutes a day “turning toward” each other. By “turning toward” he means interacting with each other every day through positive words or affirmative interactions.

Gottman also found that couples who stay together and are happy “turn toward” each other 10 minutes more each day than unhappily married couples. We can surmise 20 minutes a day of “turning toward each other” in substantial ways can make the difference between divorce and staying together in a happy, satisfying relationship. This was exciting news for my wife and me in full-time ministry. With all that happens with the kids, work, and church, 20 minutes per day feels completely realistic.

Creating the ideal sexual environment

In many marriages, especially pastoral couples, creating the ideal sexual environment is an afterthought. We often don’t spend consistent, purposeful energy on our sexual relationship. Why then are we perplexed when our sexual relationships are sources of pain and heartache rather than joy and satisfaction?

Consider John and Amanda. John is a pastor. They were married in their mid-twenties and both expected a great life in ministry together. From the beginning, however, there were numerous differences and disappointments that surprised them both. They kept hoping they would eventually figure out how to really enjoy being together. Life continued, the church grew, kids arrived, and the little disappointments and struggles led to increasing distance and unhappiness.

One area of constant struggle was in the bedroom. Neither was happy and things only got worse. Sex went from infrequent to nonexistent. Their marriage was on the rocks. This was the primary reason John rarely preached on the subject of marriage and sex from the pulpit.

I hear this all too familiar story of a pastoral couple experiencing relational misery. Yet, in this case circumstances and good counsel turned their marriage around. John and Amanda have now been married over 20 years and love their relationship. Amazingly, their sex life is active and mutually satisfying. How does a couple like John and Amanda move from being closed and distant to passionate and in love?

After working with hundreds of ministry couples like John and Amanda, I’ve come to a key conclusion about the way people generally feel about sex — most people would love to have a great sex life.This includes people who claim to be uninterested, bored, or even disgusted. Consider the following statement that we believe applies to almost everybody: A close relationship in a safe environment filled with romance and adventure allows sex to become natural and a welcome addition to an already good situation.

If having a great sex life sounds appealing to you, ask yourself, How do I create a relationship in which we both look forward to sex and enjoy it?The answer is to strive to create an ideal sexual environment. This task is always part of a great relationship and takes into account the likes, dislikes, feelings, needs, and natures of the people involved.

The easier approach to intimacy is to focus on creating a safe environment for yourself and for your spouse. You will be naturally inclined to relax and be open when both of you feel safe. Then,intimacy will simply happen.

Since sexual intimacy takes people to the most vulnerable places a relationship can go, the risks are great. A foundation of emotional safety built into your marriage makes opening up sexually significantly easier. When you and your spouse know that both of you are committed to creating a safe marriage, you avoid things that would cause hurt and begin building a foundation for a great relationship. A great sex life grows out of a great relationship.

Love and caring: getting warmer

Safety is not all that is needed to create a great relationship and lead it to the ideal sexual relationship. A secure environment may be comfortable, but it also can be lifeless and boring.

The second component for a great sex life is deep caring and love. Caring about another person is always optional. It is also risky. When you choose to care you risk being hurt, rejected, and disappointed. Loving someone who does not return love can be a sad, lonely, and painful experience. The alternative is to choose not to care, or to limit your caring.

Choosing not to care is a strategy people use to connect without being hurt. Not caring may protect you from being rejected or disappointed, but this strategy achieves a hollow victory at great cost. Your ability to experience meaningful intimacy is a function of your capacity to love and care. Your “love hunger” will not be satisfied and will be grumbling for attention should you choose to not care.

People find many ways to address unmet longings: affairs, overeating, emotional distance, and numerous other escapes. All of them will leave people unfulfilled, and sadly, many of these ways to address unmet longings are unfortunate, unhealthy, or destructive.

The essence of genuine love and caring is connected to feelings and emotions. For a relationship to progress to the next level, emotions become central. People need to know others care about their feelings and consider those feelings extremely important. When you care about and accept how your spouse feels, this does not mean you agree or share the same feeling. It is more about communicating, “I care about how you feel because I love you and you matter to me; therefore, your feelings matter to me.”

For people to feel emotionally cared for, their feelings need to be accepted without judgment, and recognized as important and valuable. To judge, ignore, or try to change your partner’s feelings communicates that his or her feelings are wrong, or that you don’t care. Because people generally don’t consciously choose their feelings, telling them their feelings shouldn’t exist or should be different puts them on the defensive. They instantly feel they are wrong for being who they are. Defensiveness is evidence of not feeling safe.

When you are in a relationship with someone who judges your feelings or doesn’t care how you feel, it is difficult to feel safe. Additionally, when one spouse sends the message, “I don’t care how you feel,” that message will never communicate love. When you communicate your care for how your spouse feels, he or she translates that into, “I care about you.” This message of love helps create an emotionally safe environment.

When you choose to care, you might think you are taking a risk and your spouse alone reaps the benefits. But when you choose to care, you create an opportunity to experience the love, warmth, and affection that go along with caring.

While choosing not to care may seem safer, not caring tends to create an empty, cold, and lifeless aftereffect. Choosing to care feels vital and alive. When experienced within the safety you have created in your marriage, caring allows love to flow freely — and that benefits everyone involved. Caring and love are clear indicators of a good relationship and increase the potential for a great relationship.

In the same vein, attempting to pursue sexual intimacy without love and caring feels unsafe and emotionally empty. People sometimes mistakenly assume sex is always an act of love. Sex is an act of love when it is expressed in a way that feels loving to the people involved. Sex is “making love” when it is an expression of love that already exists between two people.

Safety provides comfort in a relationship. Love warms things up. One more ingredient makes things hot.

Romance, adventure, and passion: now you’re hot

After creating a foundation of safety, then adding love and caring, the third component for a great relationship includes three elements: romance, adventure, and passion. These elements spice up a relationship and keep things hot throughout your marriage. Marriages can be functional without romance and passion. However, a marriage relationship without some adventure creates passionless sex and boredom. This is critical for a couple in full-time ministry.

Many people mistakenly associate romance with where you are or what you do. Cards, flowers, candlelight, and special places can enhance romance, but fascination sparks true romance. When two people allow themselves to be fascinated by each other and engage in a lifelong journey of adventure and discovery, romance flourishes.

Mutual discovery fuels a large portion of infatuation — infatuation that, in the early stages of a relationship, is exciting and intoxicating. The flames of romance dim when people believe they know all they can about their partner, allow the relationship to become routine, don’t like what they find, or give up on building an interesting and exciting marriage.

Curiosity is natural for people; boredom is a man-made phenomenon. There is nothing inherently boring about the life we have been given. We can choose to stop being curious or interested in learning and growing. But in reality, we can always learn something. We may think our relationship is boring, or our spouse is dull and predictable. However, couples never know what tomorrow will bring. They may experience a crisis or challenge, sometimes a victory, tragedy, sorrow, or at times, joy and pleasure. Whatever occurs, we have the ability to learn, grow, and be curious and interested — this is the essence of romance and passion.

We can never fully know another human being, especially when he or she is continuing to learn and grow. By being willing to discover more about your spouse over time, your ongoing curiosity and discovery will keep the flames of romance burning. Stay curious and interested — to do so is your choice.

Fanning the flames of romance requires a willingness to continually learn and grow as an individual and as a couple. It requires an ongoing investment of time and energy, and the payoff is a journey that is fun, interesting, adventurous, exciting, and playful, depending on how you approach it. The journey can also turn into a chore if you view the time and effort as an unpleasant task. Your attitude is an important factor in keeping your relationship alive with passion, and makes difficult moments seem easier to handle.

You can significantly enhance the romance and passion in your marriage by finding out how to give and express love to your spouse. To speak to your spouse’s heart often requires doing something different from what you are naturally inclined to do, or would personally prefer your spouse to do. Taking time to find out what makes your spouse feel loved and then acting on it, especially when it is not your natural style, communicates deep caring that tends to inspire good feelings in your spouse. The journey to discover what makes your spouse feel loved can be a wonderful part of the adventure.

When we choose to engage in the adventures of life with our spouse — learning and growing together through the unexpected turns of life — we experience a deepening closeness and an exciting sense of discovery. This sense of adventure is what continues to fuel romance and leads to a shared passion.

The potential impact on a couple’s relationship can be significant. Romance and excitement bring a natural increase in interest and passion to be together sexually. Without the curiosity to embrace adventure, romance, and passion, dealing with intimacy tends to become tedious. You and your partner have seen the same bodies numerous times before and, as you age, you discover your youth is conspicuously absent. Your options for ongoing variety narrow and become somewhat restricted. But if each of you continues to learn, grow, and evolve, and your relationship continues to grow and change, you’ll enjoy a newness and excitement, a relationship alive with passion, and a sexual intimacy that continues to be a wonderful expression of that passion.

Building Intimacy With Your Children

One of my favorite quotes is: “Fifty years from now it will not matter what kind of car you drove, what kind of house you lived in, how much you had in your bank account, or what your clothes looked like. But the world may be a little better because you were important in the life of a child.”1 I want to be important in the life of my children.

When asked about the privileges of growing up in a wealthy home, a young, successful attorney said the greatest gift he ever received was from his father. One Christmas morning among the piles of neatly wrapped presents was a small box. Inside was a note saying, “Son, this year I will give you 365 hours, an hour every day after dinner.”

“This simple present became the greatest gift I ever had in my life” explained the attorney. “Because my dad not only kept his promise, but every year he renewed it. I am the result of his time.”

This story found in God’s Little Devotional Book for Dads illustrates the key to developing a friendship with our children: scheduling special times with them. Friendships don’t develop by chance or accident. Meaningful friendships are a result of spending time together on a regular — preferably daily — basis. Many times I’ve listened to preachers’ kids talk about feeling neglected by their parents, especially their fathers. My own children felt that way from time to time.

It’s easy to get caught up in the tyranny of the unfinished. As a pastor, I learned early that there is always more ministry that can be done. It’s an endless parade of opportunities; and, if we are not careful, we can get swept up in the destructive cycle. We need to get into the habit of setting aside special time for our children each day. For example, we could play a game together, read a book, have a special movie night, or go to our favorite park as a family. The important part is not what we do but that we all enjoy it.

Since everyone may enjoy different activities, solicit suggestions from family members to learn what would be their favorite ones. List each activity on a small piece of paper and stuff them into an empty fishbowl. Each week (or several times during the week) pick a different activity to do as a family. This way everyone will eventually get to do his favorite activity.

For parents of teenagers, I tweak this advice somewhat. I have found that one of the best ways for parents to spend time with their teenagers is to first understand something very important — teenagers are different than young children. Youngsters need us to set special times each day. Teenagers don’t need or even want this same treatment. Most teenagers have busy lives (school, sports, clubs, youth group, and band), and they need us to become involved in their activities. Therefore, in addition to scheduled family time, teenagers need for us to attend their games, band or choir performances, and school plays. A deeper friendship can develop as we get excited about participating in their activities because this conveys a valuable message: “Your interests are important to me.”

Become available to your children

Having scheduled time with your children is important. However, if you are to strengthen your relationships with them, you need to be available during unscheduled times as well. It is important for us to make time when our children need it — watching for teachable moments. There are times when we are reading the paper, studying the Scriptures, preparing for a sermon, watching TV, or fixing dinner, and one of our children might say, “Mommy, read me a story.” or “Daddy, will you throw the football with me?”

At these times, we must be careful what we communicate. If we say, “Not now, I’m busy,” they’ll observe what we are doing and compare their importance to it. The worst thing for our children’s spiritual development is for them to feel less valuable compared to our ministry.

At times we can drop what we’re doing, because our children are simply more important. It’s helpful to remember that most children don’t expect their parents to drop all of their activities and always be instantly available. But children need to see that these activities are not as valuable as they are to their parents.

This same advice is true with teenagers. Teens have a great need to develop friendships in different peer groups. For this reason, teens usually spend more time away from home, and talking with friends, either in person or on the telephone. Whereas the family is the primary supplier of a child’s emotional needs, peer group friendships provide teenagers with additional opportunities for emotional intimacy, support, and understanding as well as companionship and fun. As parents we must not become discouraged. Instead, we need to learn how to complement a teenager’s need for outside friendships.

A good way for parents to complement a teen’s need for peer relationships, while continuing to develop their own friendship, is by being available. Teens might go a whole day without seeking our help. But, as Ross Campbell, M.D., explains in his book, How To Really Love Your Teenager, teens have something like a “container” built within them and occasionally they run out of “emotional gas.” This is when they come up and need to be close to us. They need touching, listening, understanding, and our time. When they come to us, we must be careful what we communicate. If we say, “Not now, I’m busy,” like young children, they’ll observe what we are doing and compare their importance to it.

After we have filled their “emotional gas tank” they usually are off to be with their friends. Maybe we haven’t explained everything we wanted to say, but they’re filled up. And that’s OK. A teenager needs to know that he or she is valuable and that his or her parents are available when needed. But teens also need to see that it’s OK to want peer group friendships as well.

Putting It All Together

Life is relationships; the rest is just details. These eight simple words tell me that we were made for relationships. We will find fulfillment and joy nowhere else. The aspects of life that are important, necessary, and highly prized, in the absence of satisfying relationships, have no power to bring us real happiness.

We were also designed to experience significant levels of connection and intimacy within our marriage and family relationships. For many good reasons, however, we often find intimacy difficult to achieve and sustain. Sadly, many of us experience relationships that fall below what we might enjoy or want. As a pastor or person in full-time ministry, you know the challenges we face in creating the ideal relationship with our spouse and loved ones. The list of reasons why are long and painful. But there is hope.

Take time to review the components in this article. As you begin to practice these, you will increase the likelihood of having a great marriage, great family relationships, and develop your potential to move toward greater intimacy.

Coming together occasionally, hoping all the pieces will fall perfectly into place, will not achieve the true intimacy God desires for our marriages and families. It is possible that frenzied, half-hearted preparation for intimacy can create the illusion of success. However, with a little forethought, a mindset that strives to create safety, love and caring, fascination with your loved ones and special time together, this illusion of success changes quickly into concrete reality. Best of all, you can experience enjoyable relationships for a lifetime.

Gary Smalley is founder and chairman of the board of the Smalley Relationship Center, Branson, Missouri. For additional resources for pastors and family relationships see Smalley’s newest book, Men’s Relational Toolbox or visit his website at www.smalleyonline.com.

Endnotes

1. Anonymous