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Intimacy With Self:
The Lens Through Which We Look At Life And Ministry |
By Richard D. Dobbins
How comfortable are you with the person you’re with when you are alone? How well do you think you know yourself? Do you tend to embellish yourself? Do you demean yourself? Would your spouse and family agree with your self- assessment?
Facing the complex challenges of contemporary ministry with a distorted and uncomfortable view of oneself can prove disastrous for both pastor and congregation. As healthy or flawed as it may be, our personality is involved in everything we do for the Lord.
Knowing this, one would think there should be more focus on our personality during our preparation for the ministry. Whatever issues we might need to deal with would be more easily addressed at that stage in our lives when our impact on other people is still limited. Yet, during our ministerial training we are given few opportunities to take an objective look at ourselves.
One cannot help but wonder how much more we might enjoy the work of the ministry and how much healthier and more productive our ministries might be if we were required to face the urgent issues of our spiritual and emotional health before being ordained. Our marriages and families would benefit greatly from such an emphasis.
James reminds us that problems between people always have their roots in problems within people (James 4:1). So, the healthier the minister, the fewer church problems that will originate in him and the simpler it will be for him to deal with troubled people in his congregation.
Since it is never too late for the Lord to reveal to us things we need to see about ourselves, let’s look at possible unresolved issues from our personal history that we may have brought into the ministry with us.
Where Do We Get Our View Of Ourselves?
None of us came into the world with preconceived ideas about ourselves. However, by the time we start to preschool our ideas about ourselves are so visible that any observant teacher can tell if we are sad or happy; confident or dogged by feelings of inferiority; friendly or withdrawn. Where do these ideas come from?
Babies do not arrive with an album of self-portraits in their mind from which they take their pick. As children we get our ideas about ourselves from what we see, hear, and feel reflected to us from the adults around us.
Small children do not become who they think they are. They become who they think other people think they are. This is sometimes referred to as “the looking-glass self.” We get our early impressions of ourselves from the words, feelings, and facial expressions reflected to us by adults who interact with us when we are infants and small children. Young children believe everything adults say about them to be absolutely true. We need to remember that when we are conversing with children. No wonder Jesus is so harsh in His judgment on those who offend children (Matthew 18:5,6).
As you can see, each of us grows up in our own personal house of adult mirrors. Mirrors have a way of distorting reality; some more than others. They can magnify or diminish our blemishes. They can flatter or insult us. You cannot always trust what you see.
For example, when I was young my friends talked me into going into a House of Mirrors at a fair in our community. Having fallen into this temptation, I found myself unable to believe my eyes. The first mirror I looked into made me look twice as tall and twice as thin as I was. Two or three steps later another mirror revealed me to be half as tall and twice as fat. These images of me were so distorted they were ridiculous, yet they appeared to be real. That’s what made them so hilarious. Such experiences make us aware that things and people may not always be what they appear to be.
So it is with the pictures we have of ourselves today. Regardless of how flattering or grotesque they may be, these pictures grew out of the images reflected to us by the adults who surrounded us as children. If your parents and grandparents gave you healthy ways of feeling and thinking about yourself, consider yourself to be extremely blessed.
However, regardless of how healthy or unhealthy these self-portraits were, we carry them into our youth. They remain with us in our minds as we grow older. And we bring them into the ministry with us. Then we tend to believe adults in our congregation see us this same way. When we react to those adults as though they hold these twisted perceptions of us, they unconsciously respond in such a way as to confirm these distortions. Thus, our distorted views of ourselves become a self-fulfilling prophecy in our ministry. People reflect back to us the way we believe they see us. This can be disastrous for us, our ministry, and our churches.
Here are some of the damaging views of self we have discovered in our years of working with ministers and their spouses.
Inadequate self
Often, these ministers grew up in homes where they were unfavorably compared to their brothers or sisters or to their stepsiblings. They may not have done well in school, which further affirms these feelings of inadequacy that were reflected to them in the home.
As ministers, they are easily intimidated by more confident peers or board members. Since they lack the social skills and confidence to creatively manage conflict, they seek to avoid it. They often fail to deal with congregational issues that need to be confronted in love. Or, if they do confront them, they do it in anger which only worsens the problems. Often they blame themselves for these difficulties. This leaves them even more crippled by the anxiety and guilt that fostered these feelings of inadequacy.
This crippling effect may leave the minister feeling overwhelmed by the demands of ministry. Some will attempt to compensate for these feelings of inadequacy by becoming workaholics, spending 60 hours a week, or more, doing the work of the ministry.
When a church does not respond to the exaggerated needs for approval and affirmation he brought with himself into the ministry, the minister feels discouraged and burned out. Within a year or two he seeks another pastoral change where the same cycle is likely to be repeated. In the meantime, the neglect of his marriage and family tends to leave his wife feeling resentful and bitter. For her, the church has become a mistress who has taken her husband away from her and their children.
Exalted self
Children without siblings, born late in their parents’ lives, and baby children are often coddled and overindulged. They grow up with a sense of entitlement that others resent.
In the ministry they are likely to be seen as self-centered, selfish, overbearing, and arrogant. They tend to impose their points of view on others. They make themselves the center of every conversation. They tend to see those who espouse any different perspective from theirs as impaired in judgment, noncompliant, and in opposition to their leadership. Pastor-board conflict seems to follow them everywhere they go.
Rebellious self
These pastors have a history of conflict with authority figures. Their parents may have been overly strict and harshly punitive in their discipline. They may have deeply resented a compliant older or younger sibling whom their parents favored. Often, the rebellious behavior at home was carried over into their attitudes toward school authorities and other authority figures in the community.
This person brings his struggle with authority figures into the ministry. His sermons are filled with anger. Any skilled listener can hear it in the choices of words and the tone of voice the minister uses to express himself.Those in authority over him find him difficult to deal with and usually respond in a way that further antagonizes him.
Persecuted self
Sometimes, when a child is a little bit different from his siblings and peers, he gets blamed for many things he did not do. This child feels picked on. Often this dynamic follows the person through elementary and high school.
When people like this come into the ministry, they are predisposed to taking the normal slights and thoughtlessness of people as deliberate and designed to persecute them. In most cases, nothing could be further from the truth. Nevertheless, haunted by the mental pictures of themselves they have carried from childhood, these ministers live with exaggerated feelings of persecution and rejection.
Sensual self
Occasionally, for a variety of reasons, a baby may be held and cuddled too much. This can create an exaggerated need to be stroked and touched. They develop a tactile sense with an enormous need to be satisfied. As they grow up, they become a touchy-feely kind of person.
In the ministry this person can become easily misunderstood. Carelessness with personal boundaries when worshipers are encouraged to give each other a hug can result in a parishioner misreading his or her intent. Disaster is not far away.
Compulsive self
Often, parents try to make the first child, or their only child, perfect. Every child is born with a desire for parental approval. When parental demands are too stringent or strict, they lie beyond the child’s reach. Nevertheless, the child still tries to satisfy them. This can create a tyrannical conscience in the child that requires perfection from him or her.
As a result, the child frequently suffers from what I refer to as “the little old man or the little old woman syndrome.” When talking to the child, other adults will remark, “You know, talking to this child is like talking to a little adult.” Although this is often taken as a compliment, it is evidence that this person is being denied the right to a normal childhood.
When these people come into the ministry, they don’t know how to spontaneously enjoy themselves. They know how to work, but not how to play. Their expectations of other people are likely to be unrealistically high.
On the other hand, since such ministers were seldom praised as children, they may become vulnerable to those in the congregation who meet these needs for them. When this is a person of the opposite sex trouble is not far away.
The Lens Through Which We Look At Life
The above ideas we have of ourselves become our self-concept. They are the lens through which we look at life. The clearer and more accurate that lens is, the more realistic our view of life becomes. The more distorted that lens is, the more twisted our view of life will be.
This is why seeing ourselves in a healthy way is so important to our effectiveness in ministry. Even seen through the healthiest eyes, the challenges of the ministry can be formidable. But none of us sees life like it really is. Each person sees life as it appears to him or her.
Taking a close look at ourselves can be anxiety provoking. It takes courage and honesty before God to engage in this kind of self-examination. However, Paul assures us that if we judge ourselves we will not be judged (1 Corinthians 11:28). He also stresses the importance of using the experiences of our adult lives to correct the views of life we held as children (1 Corinthians 13:11).
Correcting The Distortions
God is the only one who knows more about you than you know about yourself (Psalm 139:1–6). Be open to what He can teach you about yourself. This is the first step toward correcting a distorted self-image. And, in getting acquainted with ourselves, the first thing God says to each of us is not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought (Romans 12:3). He wants us to have a realistic view of ourselves.
God does not want us to look down on ourselves or exaggerate our weaknesses. However, He does want us to honestly acknowledge areas where we need to grow.
Second, God wants us to know that we are valuable. He has established our worth with the price of our redemption (1 Peter 1:18,19). The richest of us can be worth no more and the poorest can be worth no less.
Third, He wants us to know that we are the objects of His love (John 3:16). And, His love for us is personal (Galatians 2:19,20).
Here are some questions that will help you arrive at a realistic view of yourself:
- What are your three greatest strengths?
- What are your three greatest weaknesses?
- When people don’t agree with your point of view, how do you feel about them? What do you say to them?
- How would your friends describe you?
- What is your greatest fear? Why?
- Typically, what stresses you? How do you deal with stress?
- In what situations do you feel most uncomfortable? Name two.
- What drives you? Why?
- What do you most admire in others? Why?
- What is your vision for the future? How are you planning to achieve it?
The Benefits Of Being Comfortable With Yourself And Others
The minister who is comfortable with himself and others is much less likely to become:
1. Involved in an extramarital relationship. Contrary to what many think, extramarital affairs are more likely to result from a misguided search for intimacy than from a lustful desire for passionate sex. The people who get involved in extramarital relationships seldom feel comfortable with themselves.
2. Sexually addicted. The minister who is uncomfortable with himself and others often seeks escape in some dissociative experience like cyberporn. Until pornography was available on computers, the fear of being discovered kept the minister from bookstores and theaters that trafficked in pornography. However, cyberporn offers the illusion of anonymity. It is a self-indulgent pleasure that one can engage in all by himself. However, once sexual pleasure recedes and the minister re-engages himself with the real world of his calling, he feels defeated, ashamed, and afraid that his secret will be exposed.
3. Driven by selfish ambition. God wants us to be a people zealous unto good works, but He does not want us to be driven by selfish ambition (2 Corinthians 10:12; Ephesians 2:10). This is a temptation created by the institutional church’s insistence on rewarding growth with recognition.
Some people take increased attendance and increased offerings as undeniable evidence of success in ministry. However, the Lord’s eye is not searching for the successful minister. He is looking for the faithful minister.
When the minister suffers from low self-esteem, he is tempted to establish his worth by setting unrealistic goals for growth in the attendance and offering statistics of his church. This misguided ambition is deceiving and self-defeating.
Someone will always have more rapid growth and larger offerings. Meanwhile, the minister driven by this kind of selfish ambition will wither in his soul, become burned out, depressed, and susceptible to the temptations of the devil. His work is driven by his ambitions instead of by his love for God and people.
4. Depressed and overwhelmed by the ministry. Much of the depression I have found in ministers has been aggravated by a discomfort with themselves that they brought into the ministry with them. The troubles and conflicts parishioners confide in the pastor can be overwhelming to him, especially if he is not comfortable with himself.
Even when he is comfortable with himself, the pastor must find effective ways of debriefing himself if he is to keep his spirit free from their burdens. I have found spending a few moments in prayer and meditation following each counseling session is helpful. I have also developed the mental discipline of closing the door of the room I have made for the person in my mind once I have prayed with him and the door of my office has been closed behind him.
However, if you are not comfortable with yourself or even if you develop effective ways of ridding your mind of other people’s problems, you are left with your own discomfort.
The minister who is comfortable with himself and others is much more likely to:
1. Focus on the important relationships of his life. He takes good care of his marriage. He and his wife get away by themselves three or four times a year just to cultivate their relationship. It is impossible to overestimate the importance of these kinds of marital islands. He also takes the time to nurture his children (Ephesians 6:4).
He understands that his life communicates a more important message than his lips. He knows the best thing he can do for his people is to model for them in his personal life what he preaches to them from the pulpit. The state of his marriage is his passport to the pulpit. If he loses his marriage, he loses his ministry. He knows that the state of his marriage either enhances or erodes the credibility of his ministry.
2. Involve others in the vision casting of the church. He understands that the church needs a vision. Not his vision, but their vision. A healthy pastor does not see the church as an extension of himself. He sees the church as an extension of Christ. He does not see the people as fulfilling his vision and professional ambitions. He sees himself as the servant of Christ and the servant of His church leading them in the fulfillment of their vision. This is true servant leadership.
3. Take care of himself. Some ministers foolishly boast that they “would rather burn out than rust out.” They fail to see that God has not delighted himself in human sacrifice since the time of Abraham. He does not drive His servants; He leads us. He does not break us down; He builds us up. The minister who is comfortable with himself and others knows that the Lord’s yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:28–30). The pastor who takes care of himself regularly takes his day off each week. No pastor can work 10 hours a day, 7 days a week without eventually breaking under the load.
The healthy pastor spiritually nurtures himself through the Word and prayer. He maintains a fitness program and develops hobbies that give him regular breaks from the stresses of ministry.
4. Have confidence in his unique gifts. God gives each of us unique gifts. At times, when we see the effectiveness of others’ gifts, it is easy to lose confidence in the gifts God has given us. Then we try to imitate the gifts of others.
Understandably, it may be confusing to a congregation when an insecure pastor imposes new methods of church growth on them every year or two — methods that he has learned from gifted pastors who have been effective in reaching their communities. However, these methods may not be effective in reaching his community. When one model of church growth doesn’t work in 6 months or a year, he tries another.
Of course, we can learn from others, but the pastor who knows himself well and is comfortable with himself will not try to imitate others. God would not have called you to your community unless He knew He had given you the gifts needed in reaching that church at that time.
5. Value continuity in his ministry. His commitment is to the Lord and the community. He refuses to be discouraged by the migration of church members to other communities or other churches. This is a sign of our times. A certain amount of this happens in all churches. The pastor who is comfortable with himself treats this as normal. Until God releases him and calls him to another community, he stays put and faithfully serves the Lord where he is.
When the Lord does call him to another community, he respects the value of the ministries that have preceded him by taking his time getting spiritually in touch with where the church is before making major changes. He understands that the way he approached his ministry in the last community he served may not work in this new community. He knows his judgment of what will or will not work is likely to be wiser if he takes the time to know his new church and community better before making any major changes.
Conclusion
Your ministry can be so much more effective and personally rewarding when you are comfortable with yourself. If you find yourself anxious and stressed much of the time, reach out for help. Simply finding an older minister who will mentor you may be sufficient. Sometimes a healthy friendship with a peer can help you see yourself more realistically.
There are many personal inventories that can give you valuable information about yourself. A Christian counselor can provide these for you. I have included a simple, but useful self-awareness scale on page 14 of my book, Invisible Imprint: What Others Feel When in Your Presence. (See sidebar “Personal Presence Rating Scale.” )
Don’t neglect yourself. When you neglect yourself, you are neglecting your ministry. God seeks many years of effective ministry from the gifts He has given you. Take whatever steps may be necessary for you to get to know yourself well and become comfortable with yourself. You will be so much more effective in your marriage and family. The impact you have on others will be healthier and the harvest of your life will be greater.
Richard D. Dobbins, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and founder and clinical director of EMERGE Ministries, Akron, Ohio. He lives in Naples, Florida. His book, Invisible Imprint: What Others Feel When in Your Presence, published by VMI Publishers, Sister Oregon, 2001, can be purchased through Gospel Publishing House, Springfield, Missouri (1-800-641-4310).
Reprinted from Invisible Imprint: What Others Feel When in Your Presence, published by VMI Publishers, Sisters Oregon, 2001. Used with permission. This book can be purchased through Gospel Publishing House, Springfield, Missouri (1-800-641-4310).
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