For Women in Ministry
Three Sacrifices a Pastor’s Wife Should Never Make
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1. Guilt. Whether it’s from outside or self-imposed, there’s a lot of guilt associated with being a pastor’s wife. "Oh, you work outside the home?" "Why weren’t you at the baby shower for Susie?" "There’s no one else to teach the Rainbows." "Honey, can we have the board over for a BBQ this Friday?" There is a tendency to feel if you don’t do it, it won’t get done. Give yourself permission not to do it all. Say no, when needed. Remind your husband your first priority is your family. 2. Bitterness. Some have said that ministry would be wonderful if it weren’t for people. People will let you down; they will disappoint you, even deliberately hurt you. Hurtful words, false accusations, violated trust ... all have the potential to simmer in your soul and poison it. Choose to love. Choose to forgive (Ephesians 4:31). 3. Comparison. Comparing your church, ministry, family, husband, and finances to anything/anyone else will eat at you from the inside out. From this self-inflicted disease a critical spirit will grow and infect your soul. Don’t let it. Take your thoughts captive. Develop a grateful heart. Find out what it means to discover God’s presence, power, and purposes in the place to which He has called you.
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The role of a pastor’s wife is a privilege, and yet attached to it are ambiguous expectations, a degree of loneliness, and sacrifices — some of which she should never make.
Identity
In a survey by Just Between Us (a magazine for pastors’ wives) the No. 2 need of pastors’ wives was finding a sense of self-worth. The third most expressed need was for clear and healthy expectations. Both these needs center around one’s identity.
If the pastor’s wife’s identity is that of second best ("Oh, your husband isn’t home? Well, I guess you could pray with me.") or her value comes from her association with him, her self-worth is affected. But to be a pastor’s wife does not mean giving up your identity.
Soon after my husband and I graduated from Bible college, we became youth pastors. I had little ministry experience and was painfully aware that I did not fit the mold of the perfect pastor’s wife, but I determined to be part of the team. I filled in wherever my husband needed me. His success, I decided, was our success. Soon I was able to say no to areas which did not fit and yes to areas in which God had gifted me. I not only found fulfillment in walking in God’s purposes, but also had something to say.
Knowing your calling and gifting helps you remain true to yourself and faithful to the Lord’s call on your life
Family
Ministry can overshadow all aspects of our daily lives; and, if not managed, is a prescription for resentment and a recipe for disaster. Usually the first thing relegated to the back burner is family. Sacrificing time and energy with none left over for family can contribute to alienation that may lead to rebellious children or even divorce.
Diligently guard time with your family. Schedule a regular date night/day with your spouse (and keep it) or a weekly family night. Over the years, our family night has evolved into playing games around a table. It usually includes popcorn or nachos. Develop rituals such as morning coffee together with your spouse or Saturday breakfast at McDonalds with your kids. Rituals will change as your family grows.
My teenage son has the habit of coming into our bedroom at night, after he arrives home. We wait for him. He sits on our bed and hangs out. We laugh. We tease. We talk. Sometimes it’s nothing more than discussing his algebra test the next day or as heavy as how his friends impact his life.
When our four children leave home, I want them to recognize what a wonderful privilege ministry is, but it was never more important than them. I want them to know they were valued and deeply loved. When they are gone, I look forward to shared (quiet) moments, not with a stranger, but with my lover, my confidant, and my best friend.
Joy
The financial burden can be overwhelming. People’s demands on your time can be crippling. Constant juggling between family and ministry can leave you exhausted. Whatever your situation, don’t lose your perspective (Habakkuk 3:17,18). Determine to focus on the joys: the young father who was saved on Sunday ... the adult women who was delivered from drugs ... the marriage that was reconciled.
Rejoice in God’s faithfulness. Don’t let the whiners derail you. For all the emotional weariness and the spiritual battles, remind yourself of the privilege of participating in sacred moments of a soul responding to God. The hard points and the sacred moments, in tandem, are the brick and mortar of Kingdom building. Most of all, keep your eyes on Jesus.