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Pastors Are From Mars, Worship Leaders Are From Venus

By Tom McDonald

As I travel across the country speaking at various conferences for ministers, I am often asked to step aside to hear the following:

"My pastor is so controlling . . . I feel smothered."

Or, I will hear . . .

"My worship leader is so unpredictable in front of the congregation . . . we stand too long."

It is epidemic. A chasm lies between pastors and worship leaders in many of our churches. The depth of the relational schism varies, but the pain each leader feels is, nonetheless, palpable. It seems we are talking at and not to each other.

As a career staff associate, I am concerned. Unless we address the root causes of the breakdown between pastor and worship leader—not just the symptoms of this breach—we are headed for greater attrition among our ranks and smaller churches under our care.

The personality differences between a senior pastor and a worship leader are significant. Pastors are often logical in their thinking patterns, pragmatic in their decisionmaking, and fiscally cautious. Worship leaders tend to be dreamy, out-of-the-box creative, and "a budget—what’s that?"

Under God, the mix and match of a pulpit team can produce public chemistry and fulfilling worship, for preaching is linear and worship is kaleidoscopic. The church is enhanced by the vibrant blend of personalities as long as each party is committed to the process of mentoring and submission. Kinks in the armor occur when communication collapses, causing each leader to go to his or her respective corner to lick wounds and counsel fears. The breakdown of a pastoral relationship is similar to the breakdown of a marriage.

The metaphor of a marriage relationship is in many ways a viable picture of our priestly dilemma. Interestingly, therapists and counselors have carefully scrutinized a healthy marriage relationship; relationships on a pastoral staff have not. Still, there is a correlation.

Studying the literature on marriage and applying the insights to pastoral staff relationships will aid the process of maintaining a healthy staff. One must understand that opposites attract, but afterward need to be coaxed into staying attracted by each party’s individual will. Communication matters. It is one of the prime building blocks of healthy relationships, and its relevance is universal, whether in a marriage or in the ministry.

I work to keep the communication lines open and healthy in my marriage. This process involves time, energy, and a willingness to be vulnerable. All this obviously occurs under a backdrop of honesty. I also am committed to being proactive with my pastor, in terms of open and healthy communication. But that commitment requires vigilance amid our busy schedules—an emotional intelligence, so to speak.

Forgiveness is another prime building block of a marriage relationship. Trust is the by-product of love and time. A relationship cannot function where forgiveness and trust are vacant. Together, they form the linkage that is critical to withstanding the challenges of life’s ebb and flow. And so it is with the sometime fragile relationship between senior minister and worship leader.

No relationship this side of heaven blossoms without being tested. Sheer human frailty sees to that. Given time, we will irritate each other, frustrate each other, and perhaps let each other down. This reality is as inevitable as the steady tick of the metronome. Life happens. And it is not always clean and neat.

The basic nature with which all humans contend in matters of getting along is selfishness. When something is offensive between pastor and worship leader, their first reaction may be to protect their self-interests and lash out, or in some way entertain disloyalty. Yet, two wrongs do not make a right. Matthew 18 speaks of working through, not facing off. Peacemaking with one’s staff colleagues, over the long term, presupposes people skills and a soft, humble heart.

Contrition works. This cannot be overstated.

Pastors are trained in theology, but often not in the art of managing people. Church musicians may or may not be formally trained in music, but they, too, are not often trained in managing people. So here we have two energetic persons—each lacking the very skill they desperately need to co-exist. And the adversary simply goes to work.

Misunderstandings scrape the skin. Hurts fester. Bitterness is seeded in our soul. Then we rankle the offense with an evil monologue that eventuates into harsh tones and overreactions. The Bible is clear, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh" (Matthew 12:34).

Is it any wonder the divorce rate between senior pastors and staff pastors is so high? We need to change our old-school mentality for a 21^st-century mindset and develop some relational competencies—such as mutual empathy and anger management.

Fortunately, the literature available to improve marriages can be transferred to improving relationships between pastor and worship leader. Consider the following two examples.

Overcoming Four Traits That Can Terminate a Ministry Relationship

In their book, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott list four traits that will terminate a marriage relationship if improperly handled. They include infidelity, infertility, loss, and addiction. Let’s evaluate each concept from a pastoral perspective.

Infidelity—when gossip breeds betrayal

Disloyalty hurts. When a pastor talks with a parishioner about the problems he* has encountered with the worship leader, rather than invoking Matthew 18, he makes a deposit in the termination of the relationship. Staff tenure will end where gossip and backbiting are allowed to crop up. When the worship leader takes his grievances to the band or to the singers, instead of to the Lord, prayerfully, and the pastor, respectively, a deposit to breakup the relationship is also made.

When offended, our tongues are our own worst enemies.

Infertility—when vision is barren

The Word says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish" (Proverbs 29:18). If the pastor is either lacking a godly vision or communicating the vision poorly, the staff will become discouraged and begin to murmur. Casting vision is one of the central responsibilities of the pastor. Many do not take this motivational role seriously. Passion, enthusiasm, and the desire to sacrifice or work hard are all related to internalized vision. Without a burning purpose in a worship leader’s soul, the temptation is to kick back. In that mindset, too much time for carnality exists.

A minister can also affect the creativity of the worship leader—rendering the associate infertile—if there is not an atmosphere on staff to celebrate new ideas. Allowing mistakes and experiments, within reason and without harsh retribution, is a part of the dynamism of a healthy, progressive staff.

Creativity is a two-way street. Equally relevant is the expectation on the part of the pastor that the worship leader will avoid ruts and routines in his public presentations. Pastors have a legitimate right to expect their worship leaders to be learning new songs, reading new books, and practicing their instrument of choice to stay on the cutting edge. Laziness and poor work habits reduce creativity and interject an intellectual infertility into church musicians.

Loss—when hurts are not healed

This category is especially sensitive. For the way we process any act of betrayal in our Christian lives determines our future. We can, like the Children of Israel, travel to the Promised Land in either 11 days or 40 years. The choice is ours.

I am amazed at how hard pastors work to preach, and yet, how cavalierly they manage staff conflict. Equally, I am amazed at how easy it is for a worship leader to teach a new song, and then spoil the atmosphere with gossip after the service.

Loss refers to any hurt that is not forgiven—according to the scriptural reference. Healthy relations between pastor and worship leader can hinge on this concept alone.

Addiction—when workaholism dominates

Addictions are idols which, when allowed to take root in our lives, blur our focus on Jesus. Addictions rob us of perspective and Christlike conduct. Clearly, there is no room for substance abuse or pornography in the ministry. But what about a more subtle form of addiction—workaholism?

All pastors—senior and staff associate—are subject to the rigors of the parish. There is always more to do; another issue to resolve. Ruthlessly choosing the task of ministry over family time, week after week, leads to personal burnout, rebellion in the parsonage, and poor morale on the staff.

The Role of Effective Communication

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman discloses one of life’s rare secrets. If you and I can learn to communicate with our spouse, pastor, or colleague in the way they perceive love, and not in the way we do, we will greatly enhance our chances of communicating clearly and effectively. Problems in relationships occur when the filters of personal experience and worldview dominate the brain of the listener during a conversation, thus hindering one’s ability to carefully pay attention. By speaking in the other’s love language we cut through filters and touch the heart of the individual.

Chapman’s research has defined five primary love languages; the first four have direct application to ministerial relationships. They are:

1) words of affirmation.

2) quality time.

3) receiving gifts.

4) acts of service.

5) physical touch.

If your colleague responds to words of affirmation, call him at home after catching him doing well and give congratulations. Or generate a handwritten note. Note-card writing is a staple in my bag of tricks.

If quality time is the language that speaks, take car rides together, even if the destination is a stop on a list of errands (unless the relationship on staff is male/female).

Receiving gifts and offering acts of service are more obvious categories of interaction. Assisting your colleague in fulfilling a project when he doesn’t expect your assistance—as an act of service—is both gratifying and affirming. If gift giving works, take your pastor or worship leader to lunch occasionally; or, when in a Christian bookstore, pick up two copies of a book instead of one. Little gifts can speak into a relationship with the dynamism of big gifts.

Pastor, what is the love language of your worship leader? How can you script your criticisms of his work to challenge behavior without wounding the spirit? I am reminded of the wise counsel of the coach who said, "Always lead with words of encouragement before offering words of instruction."

Worship leader, how can you make your interactions with your pastor times of blessing and not cursing? How can you encourage your leader—and build rapport—so you, like Aaron and Hur, can hold up the arms of "Moses"?

I encourage every pastor and worship leader to purchase the books I have mentioned and study the inherent concepts with an eye toward improving your relationship.

Think about what is at stake.

Tom McDonald, Ph.D., is minister of music at The Church On The Way, Van Nuys, California, and commissioner of Church Worship for the Assemblies of God.

*No gender distinction is implied by the use of the masculine pronoun for pastor and worship leader.