Premarital Coaching
| While there are many positive things to report about families, we cannot ignore the crisis in the American home. |
Getting married can be dangerous business. Romantic promises and solemn vows are no longer enough to ensure the survival of a family. Baby boomers, for example, are 500 percent more likely to divorce than were their parents. Consequently, 40 percent of Generation X has endured a family breakup firsthand.
Painful family history has been one force driving young adults to delay marriage. A 20-something man recently told me he would rather run the risks of the singles scene than face what seems like certain disaster in marriage. With over 1 million couples divorcing annually, I found it hard to argue.
While there are many positive things to report about families, we cannot ignore the crisis in the American home. Michael McManus has called family dissolution "the central domestic issue of our time."
The roots of this issue are deep and complex. Economic changes and cultural forces have all contributed. However, one of the most obvious (and most overlooked) causes is the astonishing lack of premarital preparation most couples receive.
THE MOST COMMON PREMARITAL COUNSELING METHODS
More training is required to flip burgers at a fast-food restaurant than to become a husband or wife. Armed only with guesswork, family history, and media imagery, thousands of hopeful couples find they simply lack the resources to go the distance. Ultimately, they settle their differences in court rather than in prayer. Perhaps most disturbing is the fact this outcome is at least as prevalent among Christians as it is in the general population.
Even those who seek assistance from clergy often find it to be scattered and inconsistent.1 If help can be found, it most likely depends on the background and personality of the pastor involved. Among the options offered to couples are methods such as these:
•Master of Ceremonies—focuses on the wedding with minimal relationship training. Basically, just a Christian justice of the peace. Premarital counseling in name only.
•1:2 Counseling—uses meetings between the pastor and couple as the delivery vehicle for training. Largely a pastoral monologue on topics such as expectations or communication.
•Group Process—three or four precouples meet with a professional counselor who introduces marital issues using a combination of brief presentations and peer interaction.
•Couple Evaluation—like 1:2 counseling except this uses a professional who often employs psychological evaluation instruments to measure things like compatibility.
PREMARITAL COACHING MODEL
This article describes a coaching model that enables a pastor to incorporate the strengths of a variety of formats into a customized, flexible way of helping couples. The Premarital Coaching model uses the other methods as a toolkit rather than as ends in themselves. The use of these tools is governed by five values:
- Outcome-driven. This process is successful only if marital happiness increases and the divorce rate decreases. Conducting wedding ceremonies measures nothing. Breaking up a couple who should not marry in the first place is considered a success.
- Coaching style. The pastor serves as a facilitator of the couple’s emotional and spiritual growth. His or her task is to create the conditions in which this growth takes place, rather than to be an expert on every possible aspect of matrimony.
- Empowerment. Each precouple is responsible for completing the phases of the counseling model. It’s their future, so they are required to fully participate in the process.
- Peer power. Currently married couples work with the precouple to sensitize them to real marital issues.
- Flexibility. Since couples enter the process from many starting points, the model can be targeted to their most relevant issues.
- High expectations. No couple will be married without completing the PMC process or its equivalent. This commitment is rooted in the church’s decision that failure to prepare couples is both unscriptural and unethical.
The PMC model offers one practical method for marshalling the resources needed by the precouple. Management of the process does not require the pastor to be a therapist, only that he or she be a shepherd. PMC allows pastors to pastor and counselors to counsel. The section below describes the model in a form that can be readily used in the counseling process.
PREMARITAL RESOURCES
ORGANIZATIONS Engaged Encounter A weekend event for engaged couples held at a local church. It features intense presentations by peers and personal dialog on marriage issues. Very effective and highly recommended. Contact Assemblies of God Engaged Encounter at 1-800-599-8226, or www.agme.org/agee.asp. EMERGE Ministries Provides outstanding training materials for pastors, acquainting them with a full range of psychological, counseling, and marital issues. Excellent for helping couples prepare for matrimony. Contact EMERGE at 330-867-5603. Marriage Savers Resource Collection Offers an outstanding multimedia kit that provides resources to prepare couples for marriage and to help hurting relationships. Strong emphasis on peer counseling. Contact Michael McManus, 1-301-469-5870. BOOKS Wright, H. Norman, and Wes Roberts. Before You Say, "I Do." Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 1997. Wright, H. Norman. So You’re Getting Married. Ventura: Regal Publishing Company, 1997. Parrott, Les, Leslie Parrott, and Michael McManus. Mentoring Engaged and Newlywed Couples. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1997. _____. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995. TESTING INSTRUMENTS PREPARE: A highly effective inventory that is administered to couples to spot potential areas of strength and weakness in their relationship. An excellent tool for premarital counseling. Requires training to administer, but also used by many mental health professionals. |
IMPLEMENTING THE MODEL
Objective: To empower couples for marriage by reducing uncertainty, increasing relationship skills, and enhancing mutual understanding.
Method: A phased, couple-driven process.
Premises:
- The couple is responsible for the effort necessary to complete the process.
- The church is responsible for structuring and managing the process.
- The couple maintains a weekly accountability relationship with peers of the same sex throughout the process.
- The church staff does not perform weddings for couples who do not complete the process or its equivalent.
Phase One: Intake
Objective: To evaluate the basic marriageability of the precouple, assess risk factors, and explain the model.
Resources: Pastor, church office staff, church wedding coordinator.
Process: Meeting for an intake interview at precouple’s request. The pastor reviews the intake form with them at the interview. At this stage, the precouple:
- obtains copy of the church’s wedding policy from the office.
- reserves the date on the church calendar and the rooms for the ceremony and reception.
- pays the fee for use of facilities.
Phase Two: Surprise
Option #1: Study and Dialog
Objective: To reveal unspoken expectations.
Resource: H. Norman Wright, Before You Say, "I Do" (workbook). One per person, paid for by the precouple.
Process: The workbook has 12 chapters. The precouple answers the questions separately, discusses their answers together, and then reviews key points with the pastor in a 2:1 session.
Option #2: Engaged Encounter
Objective: To discover how the precouple relates to each other and to the marriage relationship.
Resource: Assemblies of God Engaged Encounter (see Premarital Resource List)
Process: The couple spends extended sessions with other couples at a local church dialoging about critical marriage issues. EE is strongly recommended for any precouple. They review their findings with the pastor in a 2:1 session after the weekend.
Phase Three: Reality 101
Objective: To expose the couple to the real world of married life outside their family of origin.
Resource: Three mentoring couples: newlywed, midlife with children, and senior citizen.
Process: The precouple meets with each of the mentoring couples in a casual environment using questions developed by the precouple for dialog. If a married couples Sunday school class is available, the precouple joins it several months before their wedding. This further connects them with married peers and gives them additional instruction on marriage issues. The precouple gives feedback to the pastor on their peer experiences in a 2:1 session.
Phase Four: Nuts and Bolts
Objective: To use the behavioral sciences to enrich the precouple’s preparation.
Resources: Local Christian mental health professional.
Process: The precouple arranges for group or individual premarital counseling with a Christian mental health professional and provides feedback on the process to the pastor in a 2:1 session.
Phase Five: Money
Objective: To clarify financial issues for the couple, lowering the risk of conflict and increasing financial stability.
Resource: Pastor or recommended financial professional.
Process: The precouple creates a prototype monthly budget and then spends a session with the coach reviewing it and discussing insurance, retirement options, savings, and any other financial information. If the precouple is doing well on this issue, other concerns such as stepparenting or communication can be substituted.
Phase Six: Ceremony Preparations
Objective: To assist the precouple in planning a wedding that will honor God and honor their commitment to each other.
Resources: Pastor, wedding coordinator.
Process: The precouple meets with the pastor and wedding coordinator to review ceremony details, with follow-up as necessary, leading up to the rehearsal.
MANAGING THE MODEL
•Intake interview. The precouple meets with the pastor to become familiar with the model and to begin Phase One. The Intake Interview Form (see sidebar) is filled out in the intake session and the results used by the pastor to discuss marriageability, compatibility, and risk factors.
•Accountability. The precouple informs the pastor of the names of their weekly accountability partners. The role of the partners is to help the couple maintain a standard of right living during their engagement. The pastor checks on the status of this accountability relationship at every session.
•Reflection. The precouple meets with the pastor:
- for the intake interview.
- after phases 2, 3, 4, and 5.
The precouple makes their appointments. The pastor’s role is to elicit feedback from the couple on the conclusions they are drawing and the learning they are doing in each phase. He or she helps them to discover unresolved issues and unspoken expectations.
•Flexibility. The model described above contains more resources than many couples actually need. The pastor can combine, eliminate, or expand the modules as necessary to fit the situation. Remember, the modules are tools to be selected, not tracks on which every couple’s experience must run.
•Circuit-breaker. At any point in the process, the pastor may recommend that the couple not marry.
CONCLUSION
Effective use of the PMC model depends on the pastor’s personal commitment to preparing couples for marriage within the church. This commitment can be strengthened by becoming part of an area-wide premarital counseling covenant in which local churches all agree that weddings will be performed only for couples who have received quality training.
Successful management of the model also requires that the pastor be familiar with the full range of issues pertaining to marriage and the biblical perspective on those issues. He or she need not be an expert, but should be a student of the field. Engaged couples deserve that and have a right to expect it. The PMC approach will be most effective for pastors who could do premarital counseling without it.
The PMC model is well suited to the pastoral role. It focuses on the ability of the pastor to care for people and to coordinate resources that will empower them to grow. With respect to marriage, he or she is "equipping the saints" rather than trying to be a pale imitation of a mental health professional. A coaching approach allows every minister to operate in his or her giftedness as part of a team effort. When the body of Christ works properly, every couple can have the best possible chance to love their marriage.
ENDNOTE
1. Jennifer L. Barlow, "A New Model for Premarital Counseling Within the Church," Pastoral Psychology, September 1999, 4.
Premarital Counseling Intake Interview
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