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Managing Conflict in the Smaller Church

By James D. Wilkins

Conflict generates stress and stress produces a devastating effect until you find a way to release it

Yesterday, some people from your congregation robbed you of your joy, your peace, and several of your productive hours. Last night they robbed you of your sleep. Today you are miserable and despondent. Yes, those people in your congregation who are in conflict are thieves. They are also people you love. They are people whom God has called you to build up, strengthen, and bring to a place where they can do the work of ministry.

This article will help you find ways to ease the pain of conflict and generate good health in your life and congregation.

MANAGING CONFLICT

Conflict generates stress and stress produces a devastating effect until you find a way to release it. Some pastors take advantage of the Sunday morning message to do that. Wired for sound, with mike in hand, they move about the platform jerking the cord as they lecture the thieves that robbed them.

There is a better way to ease your pain and generate good health for the family of God. Malachi 2:16 counsels you to examine your own spirit so you will not deal treacherously. The pastor’s state of mind can be powerful in its effects. In a conflict situation, it can be destructive or productive.

As a pastor, your theology about conflict also determines how you will deal with it. Understanding that interpersonal conflict is not always bad may facilitate a good night’s rest and will permit you to manage conflict more creatively. If you view all conflict as sin, you will have a difficult time helping people through conflict situations. The example in Acts 15 demonstrates that conflict can help clarify issues and reveal God’s will. The Jerusalem Council clarified a doctrinal matter and opened the way for a whole segment of the population to become a part of the body of Christ.

A good pastor will not look for conflict, but neither will he* run from it or allow it to terrorize and rob him of his integrity and emotional well-being. There are two sound motivations for giving specific attention to managing conflict in the smaller congregation: the well-being of Christ’s church, and your emotional health as pastor.

Creative conflict management in a smaller church can often be a significant challenge. Smaller churches are frequently composed of several small family units or a large family unit that has been a part of the congregation for many years. These families sometimes assume that their wishes should be considered more important than the wishes of others who have not been in the church as long or do not have as many family members attending. When this happens, conflict becomes a frequent possibility. When conflict does develop, they often fail to realize they were the cause of it. In their minds, they are the pillars of the church who know what is best. They may even call the church a family and tell you they are happy to have you as their pastor and a member of the family. This is especially true if you are new.

Pastors of smaller congregations need to be aware that managing conflict is a part of pastoring, and the best way to handle conflict is by seeking solutions in its earliest stage. A sense of tension is frequently a sign that conflict is brewing. This is the time you should begin dealing with the matter. Unfortunately, the problem often progresses through various stages until a forced confrontation takes place. In the New Testament church, the leaders brought disagreeing parties together. They worked at solving the problem until they reached a solution. You need to do the same.

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES

As pastor, you need to select the best conflict management style for a specific situation. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to choose the wrong style for the circumstance. Pastors often have a preferred style for dealing with conflict as well as a backup style. You can learn to consciously choose the best one for meeting the present need. Compare your managing techniques with these descriptions.

Evading

The person with this style prefers to believe there is no conflict. If he has to admit a problem exists, the attitude is generally, I don’t want to get involved. He hopes the conflict will go away without his intervention. He is more interested in protecting himself than finding a solution.

People who use this style force someone else to take responsibility for solving the conflict. On some occasions, it is permissible to use the evading style. For example, there may be times when an issue is so trivial it is not worthy of attention. However, if you regularly use this style, people will soon look at you as one who is not fit to lead. The opposing party will seize this opportunity to build a power base. Frustration and hostility will continue to mount until you can no longer ignore the problem.

Harmonizing

The one who seeks to harmonize is often an appeaser. His motto is: Relationships are more important than issues. He spends his time trying to get this point across without tackling the issue that divides people. There are times when this style may be effectively utilized, but not all the time. The pastor who constantly uses this method will finally wear out because the problem causing division never is solved. The other people involved in prolonged conflict become more demanding and aggressive. The pastor feels more and more stress because it is terribly burdensome to always smile when you feel like crying. After a few years or months of doing this, the pastor may resign and go elsewhere, only to repeat the cycle.

Negotiating

The pastor who uses this technique tries to persuade everyone to give up something in order for each side to gain something of what they want. Exerting pressure while seeking a compromise may help bring about a solution. The results of this kind of effort are often positive. The person with this style is persuasive, but sometimes in a subtle way. The drawback of this method is that the best solution might be sacrificed to obtain a less than perfect solution. This technique may not be the ideal, but it is better than the alternative of no solution at all. A good time to use this style is when the aggression of the warring parties might tear the church apart before there is opportunity to work out a perfect and mutually satisfying solution. The danger is that the people in conflict may not wholeheartedly buy into the decision. People must feel they own the solution, or they will be halfhearted in their commitment to it.

A combination of the harmonizing and negotiating styles worked well for the pastor of one smaller, family-oriented church. The congregation was comprised of two brothers and their large families, and a third segment of time-honored, nonfamily members. Trouble frequently brewed in the congregation, even between the major families. The tenure of pastors was short. One of the family members had become a preacher, and the congregation decided the solution to their problem would be to let him pastor his home church. That worked until he and his uncle began to see things from different perspectives. The oft-repeated solution was to again get a new minister. Eventually a mellow but mature pastor came and stayed for many years. He constantly demonstrated the fruit of the Spirit and began to teach the combating members to give up some of their rights for the sake of harmony. Peace began to reign. The congregation grew and prospered.

Intimidating

This style creates an atmosphere where others feel so beat down they fail to share important and factual information. However, this information is the very thing that might provide answers to the problem. The pastor who uses the intimidating method often has a personal agenda and predetermines which side he wants to see win. One pastor said that in the early years of his ministry he entered every conflict to win. Even when he was retreating or surrendering, it was for ultimately winning. Anytime a pastor looks on conflict as a situation where there always has to be a winner and a loser, he will eventually be one of the losers. Unintentionally, he will have taught his foes and the skirmishing persons in the congregation that the way to win is to accumulate power, and they will seek to do that.

There are some times when making a tough, individual decision is the only right method, but it must be done sparingly. Frequent display of an autocratic spirit to solve conflicts will result in a dwindling congregation. The day will come when all that remains is a handful of people. The pastor will declare that he finally cleaned up the church. He may even say this is his calling, and he will move on to clean up another church. Some of those left stranded will smolder with resentment because they feel no one cared about their opinions.

Networking

Perhaps the most effective way to deal with conflict on a regular basis is through networking. Using this method, the pastor/facilitator will seek to involve the opposing family groups or individuals in defining the problem, suggesting solutions, and agreeing on steps to implement the solution. He may first shuttle back and forth between the groups or individuals before bringing them together to put a solution in place. People tend to support what they help birth. That’s the family thing to do. The objective is to help people confront the issues instead of each other in the effort to solve the conflict. This is time consuming, but well worth the effort.

Two fundamental objectives of the networking style are to achieve the goals of the people involved and to mend or maintain the well-being of the fellowship. Failure to achieve these goals in the smaller church will result in an even smaller church. In some situations, pastors take the easy way out and have the church board make all the tough decisions. However, this defeats the two objectives just mentioned. The networking system will be forfeited in the interest of making a decision, and suddenly one side becomes a winner and the other a loser.

Networking requires a unique combination of skills that involves patience, assertiveness, and flexibility. All must sense that the pastor believes their goals are important, but he must insist on facts and distinguish between facts and opinion. He creates an atmosphere that proclaims, "If we work together, we will find mutually acceptable approaches to the conflict issue." Everyone will have some chance of being a winner because the opposing parties are agreeing on the solution; and, whatever they lose, they are giving up by choice. The networking style is the best for most situations, but a pastor must have time on his side to use it. When time is running out, the solution may lie in seeking concessions or compromises.

CONCLUSION

As previously stated, most pastors have a preferred conflict-management style and a backup style. To determine your backup style, observe what style you revert to as soon as you are under pressure. When progress is slow, the temptation is there to forsake the selected method in favor of the backup. The wise pastor will consciously select the style that is right for the situation and go to another only when no progress is being made.

The powerful aspect of prayer must also be constantly interlaced with all conflict management procedures. Prayer is more powerful than all the management skills put together. Not only will prayer empower and help the leader go forth with a positive attitude about managing church conflict, but it will enable the facilitator to determine what the end result should be.

Wise pastors recognize that Christians need not destroy the church and each other. They find ways to manage conflict. They use the power of prayer along with God-given skills to accomplish it.

James D. Wilkins is former superintendent of the Nebraska District and former credentials secretary for the Northern California/ Nevada District. He is founder of Assist Ministries, Inc., a ministry dedicated to helping the small-church pastor.

*This applies equally to women pastors.