Table of Contents

Developing Confidence

ByRosalyn Goodall

During stress and burnout, a woman may feel sick, guilty, exhausted, or doubt her call, and maybe even her salvation.

As women in ministry and as pastors’ wives, we are accustomed to being servants and people pleasers. We try to be obliging and we want people to like us. But we may sometimes feel out of control, victimized by the velocity and direction of life. Eagerness to please can make us vulnerable. Satan would love to rob us of our purpose, energy, and joy. He looks for the right tactic to neutralize our effectiveness. Depending on the nature of our personality and our areas of weakness, he can often be effective using one of the following strategies.

OVERCOMMITMENT, STRESS, AND BURNOUT

Satan loves to find the pastor’s wife who wants to serve God with all of her heart but can’t say no to anyone or anything. She is on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This lifestyle may lead to stress and burnout.

During stress and burnout, a woman may feel sick, guilty, exhausted, or doubt her call, and maybe her salvation. Jesus didn’t minister like that. To prevent stress and burnout, we need to look at Jesus’ life. He set a balanced example by taking time to rest and pray. He did not die at an early age from overwork. Remember: the church is the Lord’s and He can handle its problems.

DESTRUCTION OF YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY UNITY

There is power when you and your husband agree in prayer. If Satan can drive a wedge between the two of you, or keep you from discovering this power together, he can make you weak and vulnerable. As women in ministry, we must break through that spiritual barrier and discover our full prayer potential.

You need to be one with your spouse emotionally. Respect your spouse and have open lines of communication with him. Date each other. Have fun together–personal fun–not just ministry. Laugh together. He needs to be your best friend, and he needs a best friend, too. If this isn’t happening, you may need to set new priorities or some boundaries in your relationship.

You and your spouse also need to respect each other. Take care of issues that keep you emotionally apart. Seek counseling, even if you go alone. Be careful to protect your marriage. Don’t be naive regarding your husband. Be aware of women who would like to get close to him. Best friends are often the objects of extramarital affairs.

Our children’s needs are also important. It is critical that we listen to and encourage them. In the pressures of the pastorate, we may place unreasonable or impossible demands for perfection on our children, or we may get caught up in the energy and excitement of our work and neglect them. Maybe we are uptight and never have any fun. If we are demanding and unfair, we may embitter our children. We need to let our children be children and not continually tell them they are ruining our reputation. Give them a strong foundation of love. Listen to them and respect them.

UNREAL EXPECTATIONS

Unreal expectations often come from people in the congregation. We will not meet everybody’s expectations all of the time. No matter what we do, or how we do it, someone may be disappointed; we must learn to live with that. Fear of man brings a snare (Proverbs 29:25). We can’t be everything to everybody, and we will be exhausted and frustrated trying to please everyone. Honestly assess what you feel passionate about–what ignites your creative spark–and do the things you are gifted to do. Your ultimate responsibility is to please God. He knows and loves you; He will lead you. Take comfort in the fact not everybody liked Jesus.

We sometimes place unreal expectations on ourselves. We admire women in the church who have gifts we do not have. We may feel we don’t measure up. They may keep a perfect house, be a wonderful cook, have (seemingly) perfect children, teach, sing, or play the piano. Instead of feeling inadequate, encourage others to use their gifts. Involve them by inviting them to do something they can do.

God made each of us unique. We will not stand before God and apologize for not being a good copy of someone else. We may, though, need to ask forgiveness for not being true to ourselves and the tasks He has given us. You are God’s gift to your church. Your strengths are needed. If you are not true to yourself, God will not have that piece of the body to use in that church.

DISCOURAGEMENT

Sometimes we may feel we have been a failure. Maybe we have been comparing ourselves with others. When we do this, we always lose. Your husband or children will bring different challenges to the home than your friends’ families do. You may wonder what’s wrong with you when your life doesn’t run as smoothly as someone else’s. You may doubt your walk with God, and wonder if God will ever give you victories in your ministry and your home. During times of discouragement, "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5*). Trust God and know that "the steps of a good man [or woman] are ordered by the Lord" (Psalm 37:23, KJV). Memorize God’s promises that especially apply to what you’re going through. Put them on 3 by 5 index cards and hang them on your mirror, or carry them in your purse or planner and review them frequently.

INADEQUACY, INTIMIDATION, FEAR OF FAILURE

You may ask yourself, What am I doing here? Who do I think I am? You may look at the failures in your past and think that you aren’t good enough to be in the ministry. We are not in positions of respect and authority because we are perfect, or even because we’re adequate. We have been placed where we are by God. He will grow us and enable us to fulfill the task to which we are called. If we had all the answers, we wouldn’t need to rely on God.

We need to break through the fear of intimidation, because it is a weapon of Satan. Someone once said, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we’re spiritual beings having a human experience." We’re already living our eternal life. One day we will drop our earthly bodies and put on heavenly ones.

WOUNDED FEELINGS

It hurts to be criticized, rejected, and opposed. The pain we feel is sometimes followed by anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. We personalize criticism and rejection, and may resent people for hurting our husband or our children. It may take a long time to realize what or who is behind these attacks. Remember, we fight "not against flesh and blood" (Ephesians 6:12). We must pray, "Lord, put Your hedge of protection around our hearts and our children’s hearts and help us deal with each situation with wisdom and love." Claim the promise in Isaiah 54:17, "No weapon forged against you will prevail." Forgiveness releases a prisoner, and that prisoner is you.

DEPRESSION AND WORRY

Depression is not from God. When it goes unhealed, Satan has a foothold in our lives. Take responsibility for your own life; don’t blame others, point fingers, or feel sorry for yourself. Many years are wasted and many people become ineffective when immobilized by depression. When people are depressed, they feel they will never get well. They are exhausted and can’t sleep at night. Depression may be biochemical, so medication and counseling may be necessary. When people recover from depression, they feel like they’ve been given back their lives. No matter how bad your life may seem, with God’s help, you can turn it into something better if you don’t concentrate on how bad it is today. Don’t be afraid to live your life fully. Avoiding disappointment means avoiding life; disappointment is a necessary teacher.

Worry is not from God. When we worry about something we think might happen, we are robbed of joy and peace. If we worry about something that doesn’t come to pass, we have wasted our time and energy. If it does come to pass, we have still wasted our time and energy. Worry is a lose/lose situation. God wants us to trust Him and be vibrant soldiers in His army. He tells us, "Do not lose heart.... For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:16—18). We can trust Him with any circumstance that comes our way.

SPIRIT OF POVERTY

Sometimes we experience financial loss and feel like we will never get ahead. Don’t let hopelessness control you. The Bible is full of promises about finances. Along with your husband, study these promises and claim them for your family. God promises to supply all our needs (Philippians 4:19). Any material provision beyond the basics is a special blessing so we can give to God’s work. Living an expensive lifestyle does not glorify God. Be wise in your spending and be content with what God has provided. If Satan can’t get you to be over-committed, feel inadequate, or guilty, he will try to minimize your effectiveness by working on you in the opposite direction.

PRIDE

We must keep our egos in check. It is sad when people take credit for what God has done in their lives. Avoid the self-righteousness that comes when we measure ourselves against others and tell God that we are thankful we are not like others (Luke 18:11). One lady may be leading a Bible study, and another is in God’s will while doing dishes and talking to Him.

Don’t pay more attention to the wealthy in the congregation than to the poor. We may even tell our husbands that we are tired of these people and this church. God gave them to us, and He expects us to be His hand extended.

Be humble and ask God where you may have offended someone. Be quick to ask for forgiveness. To achieve God’s purpose for your life, you need to ask God to make you a vessel He can use and endeavor to make Jesus your first love. Be a yielded vessel. God is still working on you.

*Scripture quotations are from the New International Version, unless otherwise noted.

Rosalyn Goodall, who formerly taught business communication and English at Southwest Missouri State University, Springfield, Missouri, is an editor and pastor’s wife in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. She frequently speaks to women’s groups and at missionary retreats and conferences.