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Winning the Battle Over Sexual Desire

By Berl H. Best

I was clearing off my desk at the end of summer school when I looked up to see a friend standing in my office doorway. Since he was from out of town and did not have an appointment to see me, I assumed he was passing through Springfield and stopped to say hello. After exchanging greetings and information about families and ministries, he dropped his head, lowered his voice, and said with a great deal of anguish, "Doc, I need your professional help. I am not here for a friendly visit. I have lost everything. I became sexually involved with a woman in my church, and I have been removed from my position of ministry. My credentials will be taken and my family is hurting so badly. Can you help me?"

Putting a family and a ministry back together is a rewarding experience, but it is also a difficult one. The emotional pain in a family caused by unchecked sexual desire (either in thought or action) cannot be measured. The healing process for a family or church victimized by sexual impurity is slow and painful.

With the acceptance of extramarital sex by our society, and the amount of sexual stimuli that is prevalent, sexual infidelity has become a way of life. Unfortunately, ministers are not immune to sexual temptation. The number of ministers who have become involved in extramarital affairs is so alarming major religious leaders are addressing this issue.

During his March 11,12, 1999, broadcasts of Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson stated that in a poll conducted by Christianity Today, 23 percent of the ministers responding indicated they had been involved in inappropriate sexual relationships with individuals attending their churches. Dr. Dobson’s guest on the broadcast to address the subject of sexual infidelity was Jerry Jenkins, the writer in residence at Moody Bible Institute and author of the book, Loving Your Marriage Enough To Protect It.

To protect a person’s marriage, Jenkins advocates building safety hedges around one’s life. One of these hedges is appearance. He stated, "If you take care of how things look, you take care of how things are." To avoid the wrong impression and temptation, he suggests that one give close attention to how one looks at, speaks to, touches, and compliments a member of the opposite sex. Never act in such a manner that one would be embarrassed if a spouse, friend, or fellow Christian overheard what was being said or observed.

Although most ministers do not follow through with an affair, many struggle with impure thoughts. Jenkins reminds us, "We are not told in the Scriptures to stand and fight over lust; we are told to flee it."

From a clinical viewpoint, there is wisdom in this statement. God created humans to function on a cognitive (thinking) level as well as an affective (feeling) level. Most of the time, we function on the cognitive level, so the decisions we make are good and rational. However, when one shifts to an affective level, reason may cease to exist. Proverbs 6:32 states, "But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself."* When temptation first enters the mind, a person should take the time to make a list of the possible harmful effects this temptation holds, to family members and to friends, to help forego the temptation. However, people tend to enjoy, for the moment, the emotional rush, high, or feelings associated with the temptation. The thought of being loved unconditionally by a member of the opposite sex is a pleasant experience. Sexual fantasies and experiences place an individual in the affective (feeling) domain. Since one does not think rationally when passion is present, one should run from the situation.

How can one deal with sexual temptation effectively? Because of the complexity of the situation, a combination of treatments is suggested. First, develop an understanding of human nature. A rich diet of books written by Christian authors, tapes of sermons, or lectures by informed persons on sexual matters or programs (such as Focus on the Family) provide insights into our human nature and how to deal with it. Second, develop a biblical understanding of the outcomes of sexual sins. Conduct an exhaustive study of each passage of Scripture dealing with sexual sin. Review the outcome of sexual misbehavior on the part of biblical characters to determine how these sins affected them, their families, and friends. Third, use disciplined prayer.

To look at sexual sins from a behavioral point of view through the psychological perspective, a stimulus calls for a response. In the case of lust, to look at an attractive member of the opposite sex (stimulus) may produce an impure desire or lust (response). But Christians are not bound by this model.

Romans 12:2 instructs believers to be "transformed by the renewing of your mind." We should think before we act. An effective method for dealing with impure thoughts is to replace them with prayer. Through prayer, if the objects of our impure thoughts are not Christians, ask God to save them, give them a godly spouse, save their children, or bless their home. If they are Christians, we can ask God to bless them in a variety of ways. It is not possible to earnestly pray for the spiritual condition of another person and continue to have impure thoughts. Fourth, be accountable for our behavior. Ministers should have individuals or a group of people who will hold them accountable for every aspect of their lives.

It has been said that ministers can never win a city, state, nation, or the world for Christ until they win the battle over the 4 inches between their ears–the mind. Ministers may become spiritually ineffective because they cannot control their thought life or behavior. If ministers are to master impure thoughts or deeds, they must master Philippians 4:8,9, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Berl H. Best, Ed.D., is an Assemblies of God minister and licensed professional counselor. He serves as the director of counseling at Central Bible College, Springfield, Missouri.

*Scripture quotations are from the New International Version.