The Minister
By Milton E. Dykes
Thankfully, according to statistics, the ministry is freer from adultery than any other profession. But it is not immune. What can ministers do to prevent moral failure?
Marital love as God intended it is love at its best. |
NINE STEPS TO PREVENT MORAL FAILURE
1. Distinguish between your walk with God and your ministry.
The two are not the same. One minister who failed morally said, "The road to failure began when I started reading the Bible only to find a sermon."
Have a daily prayer/devotional time. Ludicrous, you say? Not according to Christian psychologist Richard Dobbins who says, "You can be a success in your work and a failure in your walk."
2. Have proper goals.
Ask a pastor how he’s doing, and he’s likely to give you an attendance report. The goal of many ministers is to pastor a thriving church. That is a worthy goal. But pastors become so preoccupied with this goal that their spiritual walk is weakened. When temptation comes their way, they succumb. Your goals should be to have a first-love relationship with the Lord, to lovingly shepherd your flock, to faithfully preach the Word, and to live a godly example.
3. Be aware that God is always there.
He sees all, and you can never get away from Him. Let this be a strong deterrent.
4. Make right decisions about danger zones.
Proverbs 2:11, states, "Discretion will protect you" (NIV). Don’t visit women alone. Don’t do a lot of counseling of women alone. Instead, ask your wife or a mature, godly woman in your congregation to counsel other women (Titus 2:3,4). A minister who failed morally stated emphatically, "Never counsel a woman more than three times. That was my downfall." Don’t be flirtatious with the opposite sex (complimenting their appearance or being huggy/handsy). Do choose the right office help. Don’t watch sensuous television programs or look at sensuous Internet sites or magazines. Don’t allow your thoughts to dwell on the beauty of another woman (Proverbs 6:25). Don’t think, I’ll look, but not touch. If you keep looking, one day you’ll have the opportunity to touch, and you will touch.
5. Keep your love relationship with your wife.
Recognize her beauty and talents and let your eyes and attention be continually focused on her. Marital love as God intended it is love at its best. Remember, "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love" (Proverbs 5:18,19, NIV).
6. Remind yourself of the consequences of adultery.
Some of the consequences include a broken relationship with the Lord, your wife’s devastation, overwhelming economic loss (you’ll have to immediately find a new way to make a living), loss of reputation and respect, reproach on Christ in your community, and church members’ hurt.
7. Watch out for mid-life crisis.
Sometimes a man wants to see if he’s still attractive to the opposite sex and tests the waters. Keep up your guard during this vulnerable time.
8. Don’t let Satan fool you into thinking, It’s OK to be flirtatious (and later adulterous).
One minister said, "When a minister is involved in an affair, Satan withdraws his attack so your ministry is blessed and successful."
"You’re OK," Satan tells you. "Look how successful your ministry is." Then, when you are securely caught in his snare, Satan attacks you forcefully, such as giving you suicidal thoughts, and then he laughs at you.
9. Most important, hide the Word in your heart (Psalm 119:11).
Be continuously filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18) and yield yourself to righteousness leading to holiness (Romans 6:19).
Milton E. Dykes, Lakeland, Florida, is an ordained minister with the Peninsular Florida District Council of the Assemblies of God. |
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The Minister’s Wife
By Kristy Dykes
For 3 days, Sarah* lay on the sofa, her tears gushing like a geyser. Her minister husband, Scott*, had confessed to an affair with a woman in the church. This wasn’t supposed to happen, she thought, her emotions bouncing between disbelief, rage, shock, grief. This is a dream—no, a nightmare.
| Adultery is rampant, and ministry couples are not immune to its tenacious clutches. |
Adultery is rampant, and ministry couples are not immune to its tenacious clutches. Although there’s no surefire way to affair-proof a marriage, there are some practical areas the minister’s wife must concentrate on to see that "the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil" (Proverbs 31:11). Interestingly, the following acrostic spells pastor:
Personal Appearance
The majority of us will never look like a model, but we can make the most of what God has given us. Keep yourself as attractive as possible for your husband.
Atmosphere in the Home
"The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’ " (Genesis 2:18, NIV). Be his helper. Be kind to him—a simple "please/thank you" generates mutual respect. Compliment him, especially on his masculine traits.
Sense of Humor
Do you laugh together? Called internal jogging, laughter reduces stress, rescues you from embarrassing situations, and dispels anger (Proverbs 15:13). My aunt and uncle frequently read joke books aloud to each other. Try it. It’s fun. Don’t take life so seriously. A few years ago, we’d just gotten a new Mercury Marquis and had gone to the body shop to check on our older car that was being repainted. As Milton backed up, he hit a low post, and we heard a sickening crunch. (We were in the appropriate place.) "Praise the Lord," I exclaimed. He looked over at me like I’d lost my marbles. I grinned and said, "I’m praising the Lord you’re driving and not me."
Togetherness in Prayer and Fellowship
Pray together. "Even 80-second prayers together are better than none," says Richard Dobbins, Christian psychologist. Play together—visit the zoo, walk, watch television and eat popcorn, picnic, go for a drive, visit museums/historic sites, canoe.
Overlook His Faults and
Concentrate on His Plus Points
If he disappoints you in an area, concentrate on what he does that pleases you. For example, if he’s always forgetting to take out the garbage but he’s good with the kids, focus on that. The Bible says, "Love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8, NIV). Nancy’s husband may go shopping with her and actually enjoy it, and Jane’s husband may cook dinner every evening, but your husband _________. (Fill in the blank and then concentrate on this.)
Respond to His Sexual Needs
Josh McDowell was asked, "How often do men like to make love?" He said, "Only on days that begin with T: Tuesday and Thursday, Taturday and Tunday, Today and Tomorrow." Learn your husband’s sexual needs and meet them (1 Corinthians 7:2–5).
| She should recognize that his desire is dictated by definite biochemical forces within his body, and if she loves him, she will seek to satisfy those needs as meaningfully and as regularly as possible. |
Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family says, "Women should understand how their husbands’ needs differ from their own. Hormonal influences sensitize the man to all sexual stimuli. Whereas a particular woman would be of little interest to him when he is satisfied, he may be eroticized just to be in her presence when he is in a state of deprivation. A wife may find it difficult to comprehend this accumulating aspect of her husband’s sexual appetite. She should recognize that his desire is dictated by definite biochemical forces within his body; and if she loves him, she will seek to satisfy those needs as meaningfully and as regularly as possible. I’m not denying that women have definite sexual needs which seek gratification; rather, I am merely explaining that abstinence is usually more difficult for men to tolerate."
WORDS OF WISDOM
I frequently tell myself, "I’m the only woman who can share my husband’s heart, his home, and his bed. I’m proud to be his wife."
To sum it up, follow my grandmother’s sage marital advice: "Do your part, no matter what he does." And if we’ll both do our parts, we’ll build strong, Christ-honoring, affair-proof marriages.
Kristy Dykes, Lakeland, Florida, is a minister’s wife, writer, and speaker. One of her favorite topics to speak on is "How To Love Your Husband." She is the wife of Milton Dykes.
*Names changed. |
