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Tough Transitions: When You Have To Leave

By Elaine Wipf

Time with God reading His Word and praying will be your survival kit.

Some pastors’ wives have already faced a tough transition; others have not. Some may think, It will never happen to us. In reality, a large percentage of pastors’ wives will face one or more tough transitions.

When my husband and I went through a difficult transition, we were amazed as many of our friends told us they had faced similar situations. As we began searching for a new place of ministry, we were shocked at the number of church openings created by an undesirable parting between the pastor and the church.

Whether it is a staff member who is given a deadline to resign by a new senior pastor, a senior pastor who resigns due to pressure from the board, or a pastor who is voted out by the people he has loved and served, it is a tough transition. Sometimes a pastor finds another church without creating a gap in ministry. At other times, a ministry family may become sidelined, with no church or immediate ministry opportunities in view. When this happens, a pastor is suddenly without a place of ministry, income, community, and in some cases, a home. It is one of the toughest situations those in ministry will ever face, but it can be a time of growth and renewal if they let God do His work in their lives.

Although you apply Romans 8:28, "All things work together for good…" to these circumstances, you will still experience a variety of emotions: rejection, hurt, anger, humiliation, fear, confusion, bewilderment, and aloneness. You might also have a sense of relief that the struggle or fight is over. You will have good days and bad days, and good hours followed by bad hours. Depression may seem to be just around the corner. Words of comfort from your friends may seem like trite clichés. Your intellectual knowledge does not seem to reach your heart.

Even when you can see some blessings and benefits in the transition, you still hurt. The wounds are deep. But God can and will heal them and strengthen you during this time.

When I went through one of these tough transitions, complete with a sideline experience, I discovered some do’s and don’ts that helped me. Some of them are the result of learning from mistakes. I often reread them to regain focus and perspective in times when there seemed to be no hope or future.

DON’TS

1. Don’t deny the pain. You have suffered a major loss and will go through the stages of grieving—accept it; face it; cry (allow for that emotional release and cleansing); pray (bring your troubles to God); read the Psalms. Many of them are David’s prayers in times of great distress. David knew the value of bringing his despair to God, then praising Him for His faithfulness.

2. Don’t isolate yourself. It is tempting to isolate yourself because of the pain you feel. Be available to true friends—allow their words to encourage you. Being with others will give you a pleasant distraction from the hurts, and it is more fun than sitting around moping.

3. Don’t look back and say, "What if." You cannot change the past; it is done. God has given you an opportunity for a new present and a new future. Go forward.

4. Don’t allow your anger to be misdirected. Admit your anger. It is not a sin if you deal with it correctly. Ask God to help you forgive those who hurt you. If you try to hide your anger, it will be misdirected. Misdirected anger will be vented inappropriately toward family or others.

5. Don’t make hasty decisions. Be careful of decisions made in desperation or panic—they may not be good decisions. Pray about each decision (temporary employment, place of relocation, future ministry). Discuss major decisions with your spouse and children.

6. Don’t pull away from your spouse or family. They are hurting too. Be willing to share their pain. Also, be transparent and let them see your pain. Other than God, your family will be your best help through this time.

7. Don’t allow bitterness. It is tempting to ask questions that have no answers. You cannot control your circumstances, but you can control your attitude. Fighting against the situation will not solve anything. Surrender to God, and let Him vindicate you and work in your life. Our greatest spiritual growth often happens during the tough times of life. Great miracles happen when there is great need.

DO’S

1. Keep a regular and balanced devotional life. It is tempting, in the middle of self-pity, to become careless about spending time with God. Time with God reading His Word and praying will be your survival kit. Find your own special Scriptures (mine is Jeremiah 29:11–14) and read them daily. A favorite phrase of mine is, "and it came to pass." Spend time in praise and worship. This is incredibly comforting and refreshing.

2. Count your blessings. Accentuate the positive. Even when the difficulties outweigh the benefits, focus on the blessings. Notice with gratitude the ways God provides. Look for any possible benefit, great or small. Make sure your family knows about these blessings.

3. Keep family communication open. Be open and honest with your spouse and children. God will give you wisdom concerning how much to tell family members. It is better to be honest rather than cover up the issues. Discuss your feelings and major decisions. Talk about the blessings of your current situation as well as future goals and desires.

4. Accept the encouraging and edifying words of friends. The kind and encouraging words of a friend are sent by God to help you—accept them and believe them. Learn to ignore foolish comments. Feelings of hopelessness and inferiority are from the enemy—don’t believe them.

5. Find a new church home. Church hopping may be fun, but there are more benefits in finding a church home. It is imperative if you have children at home to avoid church hopping. Children need the stability of regular church attendance, activities suited to their needs, and the chance to make new friends. Having a church home will give you an opportunity to be spiritually refreshed; learn about another church’s policies, administration, and ministry; and provide a place for you to heal and receive affirmation.

6. Find ways to minister. Finding opportunities of ministry can help prevent wallowing in misery and self-pity. These opportunities can help you keep your focus and perspective. Use moderation as your guide in choosing opportunities. This is not the time to overextend yourself. You need time to rest and refresh.

7. Encourage your spouse and children to pursue their interests even in a temporary location. Do the same for yourself. Finding some activities of interest can help relieve stress.

8. Pamper yourself and your family. Treat yourself to something pleasant. This can be done without ruining a tight budget. It may be some small thing purchased for your new home, a special bottle of scented lotion (something that makes you feel special). Perhaps a planned activity or favorite meal will be just the catalyst to perk up your family.

9. Plan family activities. You may have more free time than you did while in ministry. Use it to spend time together as a family to create memories that will be beyond value in coming years. There are plenty of activities with little or no cost (explore new parks, visit a new store, or plan a night of games).

10. Get proper rest. Stress is exhausting, both physically and emotionally. You need extra rest to let your body refresh and refuel. Your problems will seem magnified if you are exhausted. This is a God-given opportunity to rest.

11. Be submissive to God’s plan. This may seem like the obvious. However, we are human, and we may struggle with resentment.

12. Anticipate the future God has prepared. God is using this time to teach and prepare you for your next ministry opportunity. He desires only what is best for you. He promises to give you the desires of your heart. Even when you can’t see ahead, trust Him. He will bring you out of the desert and into a new fertile field.

Elaine Wipf is a pastor’s wife and lives in Richfield, Minnesota.