Table of Contents

Helping Single-Parent Families Succeed

By Lois Mowday Rabey

(See also: Practical Ways to Help Single Parents and Their Children)

"Success" is a relative term. But for most single-parent families success would mean that their family unit achieves a level of stability. This stability enables the parent and children to enjoy loving relationships in an environment of peace and security, and it enables the children to grow into healthy, responsible adults. Creating such an environment is a challenge for any of us; but for the single parent, it is especially taxing. Sometimes these parents need to recover from loss, redefine their family, supplement or provide an income, and help their children maneuver through the difficulties of life.

How can the church help? This article is based on my conversations with single parents and my own observations as a former single parent.

RECOGNIZING THE GAP

There is often a gap between the perceived needs of single parents and their children and their real needs. I remember from my own single days the countless times people told me what I needed. I would smile, nod, and sigh inwardly at how far off base they were. They were well-intended comments, but they lacked the insight that comes from taking the time and expending the energy to truly understand the complexities that exist in homes broken by loss.

One of the challenges the church faces is the availability of staff to spend time investigating how people feel and what they need when they are past the initial trauma of loss due to death, divorce, unwed birth, or other circumstances that result in single parenting.

But there must be another answer other than hiring more staff, a solution that most churches can’t afford. Recognizing that a gap exists between leadership’s understanding of the needs of single-parent families and the reality of those needs is a good place to start

IMPLEMENT HONEST COMMUNICATION

I have spoken to numerous groups of singles over the last 20 years and have interacted with their leaders. All of these leaders, without exception, have been devoted people who are committed to ministering to singles. They have asked me what they could do to improve their programs, and I have almost always responded in the same way—meet with them and do the following:

• Ask. Provide a time for men and women together, a time for men only, and a time for women only, to voice their greatest challenges as single parents. Then ask them how the church can help meet those challenges. A skilled facilitator can prevent this from becoming a gripe session. The goal is to give single parents a place to vent, but with a focus. The session is about parenting, not dating or anger at an ex-spouse.

• Listen and take notes. If other issues surface, like dating or anger, check later to determine if the church is addressing these aspects of singleness. If not, that is an area for the single ministry as a whole. As far as single parenting goes, listen for the specific challenges voiced by the participants.

• Reflect. Read the notes you made at the session and think about what these parents said. Talk with other leaders. Consider what the church can do right now and long term. Be open to new thoughts that come to you as you reflect on these concerns.

• Reassemble your group. Let the single parents know your plans, including those challenges for which you have no answer. Involving them in the process of helping themselves is positive and may generate resources from within the group.

• Implement what you can. Put into action those solutions you and the group can and then plan for the future.

Continue to communicate. Keep communicating with them, giving them ownership in their own problem solving, thereby, contributing to the church as a whole.

THE GREATEST NEED OF CHILDREN IN A SINGLE-PARENT HOME

While a healthy, two-parent home is the ideal, children can do very well in life and can be well adjusted if they live in a single-parent home with a stable, loving parent.

A stable, loving parent will inevitably have other adults in his or her life to help impact the children. A newspaper article reported on a program that identified assets for youth: "If one person will take interest in a child, it will save his or her life. If two or three adults take an interest, the child starts to prosper."

The church can help single parents succeed by integrating their children into the church. Don’t just rely on Sunday school to express care. Provide events that help children interact with other adults and encourage adults to talk with and interact with the children. The more individual care that can be shown, the greater the help for the child.

THE GREATEST NEED OF SINGLE PARENTS

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" (Proverbs 13:12, NIV). Single parents need to believe they can positively impact their children and equip them for life. Their hope for a two-parent home is gone, and with it, the hope of parenting well often disappears.

The church can help by nurturing a longing in them to make that positive impact and by encouraging the belief that they can accomplish that task. Programs and seminars will help, but underlying those practical helps must be the grasp of supernatural coparenting with God that transcends difficult circumstances. This is the foundation for believers to appropriate what is available to them. An ongoing teaching that spiritually empowers single parents will help them as they face some of the more practical issues of parenting.

THE NEED TO FEEL NORMAL

Many singles feel judged. There is a stigma on divorced people, and people in the church don’t know how to relate to them. Even those who aren’t divorced feel the strangeness of being a part of a body that defines the nuclear family as "normal." Children in single-parent homes experience this same uncomfortable identification by what they are not, instead of by what they are.

Churches, in general, try to help singles by segregating them into singles ministries. It might be more helpful to view singles ministries as one area in which a person participates, but not the only area. Isolation could be lessened if those involved in singles ministry were invited to other functions—such as parenting seminars. Single parents could help plan these events. This can also help other church members understand the needs of single parents. If the Body could truly become the extended family for single-parent homes, many of their challenges could be lessened.

Most churches have excellent ministries for nuclear families, and many churches have good ministries for single adults. But many churches do not offer ministry to single parents. This adds to the feeling of being abnormal in both categories—married and single without children.

HELPING PARENTS PRIORITIZE THEIR LIVES

When I was single, I received a lot of advice about making sure my need for an active social life was met. There was always the underlying concern, often expressed as a matter of prayer on my behalf, that I find another man to marry.

My daughters were involved in sports all through their junior and senior years of high school, with games three nights a week for most of the year. If I attended all their games, I couldn’t squeeze much more into my schedule. I decided their schedules came first; I would go to all their games. This priority wasn’t a sacrifice; I loved every minute of it. But throughout those years I had to reassure well-meaning acquaintances that I was, indeed, a fulfilled person even though I wasn’t involved in a lot of social activities.

Dating and remarrying is a complicated and energy-draining aspect of single-adult life. One of the most helpful encouragements for single parents would be for church leadership to give them permission to put their social life on the back burner and focus on their children. Of course, they will need outlets for their own interests and places to just have fun with other adults. But a shift in the attitude of priorities from social to parental can give them the nudge they might need in the direction of understanding the importance of putting their children first. Success in parenting is the most lasting and significant help any ministry can offer to those who are facing the task of parenting alone.

(See also: Practical Ways to Help Single Parents and Their Children)

CHILDREN IN SINGLE-PARENT HOMES

DESCRIPTION		PERCENT OF ALL CHILDREN UNDER 18
Children under 18 not currently living in a two-parent married household 20 million		28 percent
Children under 18 who have ever lived in a one-parent household 40 million (estimate)		56 percent
Children under 18 currently living with grandparents 4 million		6 percent

Source: Kim Hurst, "State of the Singles Report," Single Adult Ministry Journal, Issue 130: 7. Used with permission.

Lois Mowday Rabey is an author and speaker living in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Her most recent books are Women of a Generous Spirit and Growing Young, both published by WaterBrook Press.