As the community of faith that proclaims Christ’s redeeming love to the world, what specific things can a church do to meet the needs of its divorced members? Consider the following as points for developing a program that will nurture and support those who are hurting from the death of a relationship:
1. Start with comfort.
The newly divorced often feel unlovable. They need warmth and hugs. Often guilt and feelings of failure weigh them down, and their self-esteem plummets. They want to know that people still care. When others ignore what has happened, it only hurts more.
2. Give them assurance.
They need to know there is a silver lining somewhere in the dark cloud and that hope will return someday. Amidst varying moods that result in tears, depression, anger, and guilt, they need the stabilizing presence of caring fellow Christians and sensitive pastors who can assure them that their emotions are normal, and with God’s help they can have productive lives again.
3. They need good ears and big shoulders.
Divorced people need others who will listen and let them cry. Divorced persons need understanding, not advice or quick solutions. They tend to cycle and recycle through many emotions and through it all, need to acknowledge their anger and pain. When caring people allow them to do this, it sets the stage for the healing process to take place.
4. They need offers of concrete help.
The church is often so couple-oriented that single people feel shut out. Don’t say, "Call if you need something." That’s too vague and gets us off the hook too easily. People need to be specific in their offers for help, and sometimes they just need to reach out and do things for others.
5. Show patience and persistence.
A Wisconsin woman noted that Webster’s defines divorce as "to separate from one’s spouse." Then she argued that what Webster’s doesn’t tell us is that divorce separates us from all that’s familiar. Those who are recently divorced tend to withdraw to handle their loses. During grief, people need to heal and recover. This will require patience on our part in dealing with them. We must allow them their privacy and space and not allow their desire to be alone to be interpreted by us as rejection. In addition, the church needs to be there when people work through their grief and are ready to socialize again.
6. Cultivate sensitivity.
This means both pastor and church members need to be careful of the manner in which things are said and done. One woman recalls the hurt she and her son experienced when someone remarked at his father’s remarriage, "How wonderful. You’ll have a mother now."
The boy responded, "I already do."
Churches also need to be sensitive to the manner in which they characterize the divorced members and, for that matter, all singles. Names of groups like, Pairs and Spares, to describe groups that include marrieds and singles may sound clever, but often suggest a sense of uselessness or that persons are not whole because they are not part of a couple.
These points show there are enormous possibilities for ministry to the divorced members of our congregations. And often they are one of the prime groups that are receptive to ministry. Churches need to educate themselves about the needs of those undergoing the trauma of divorce. While divorce is a type of death, the corpse is still alive and in need of compassion.
Charles Dickson, Ph.D., pastor, Hickory, North Carolina.
