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Table of Contents
The Dilemma of the Divorce Culture: Can the Local Church Make a Difference?
By Leo Gozich
Over the last 27 years, since no-fault divorce legislation swept across the nation like a tidal wave, America has witnessed a 279-percent increase in the divorce rate; and the fallout for families—Christian and non-Christian—and society has been tragic.
During that time, more than 35 million babies have been aborted and the percentage of children living in single-parent homes has tripled, as has the teenage suicide rate. There has been a 400-percent increase in illegitimate births, the crime rate has been multiplied five times, respect for authority has dramatically declined, the entertainment industry has advocated sexual permissiveness and perversion with virtually no resistance, and our nation now leads the world in the rate of homicide—with domestic violence as the primary factor for more murders than any other cause.
While divorce, immorality, dishonesty, and selfishness are hallmarks of a worldly lifestyle, the same destructive forces run rampant in our churches. This carnage of marriages and the ensuing disintegration of families in their congregations frustrate pastors and leaders.
Yet, this should be the finest hour for the church. America’s greatest point of need is hurting and broken relationships. The church, the people of God, should be an example of love in a dark and lost world. It is a reproach on the gospel that the divorce rate for couples who regularly attend church is the same, and in some cases, even higher than the divorce rate for unchurched couples.
Phoenix First Assembly of God began a strategic plan to not only stop divorce, but to strengthen marriages. Eight years ago, my wife Molly and I began a Sunday school class for young couples. We started with just four other couples. Today, there are more than 850 couples on the attendance roll. Some have called it the largest Sunday school class in America. Hundreds of couples gather weekly, filling the gymnasium to worship the Lord and celebrate the covenant of marriage.
Mentor Couples: New Hope for Marriages
There is a new movement sweeping the land to lower the divorce rate. It began in 1986, when 95 pastors from evangelical, mainline, and Catholic churches in Modesto, California, signed a Community Marriage Policy "with the goal to radically reduce the divorce rate of those married in area churches." Far more than that has been accomplished. The divorce rate for the whole metro area plunged 30 percent in 13 years, saving more than 1,000 marriages a year in recent years.
More important—thanks to positive stories by ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, and many newspapers—there are now 110 cities with Community Marriage Covenants signed by more than 5,000 clergy. Divorce rates are plunging in at least two dozen of these cities. Nationally, divorces are down only 1.3 percent in 19 years. By contrast, in 1 year, they plummeted 14 percent in Chattanooga; 15 percent in Evansville, Indiana; and 21 percent in Dalton, Georgia. Divorces in places where they use Community Marriage Covenants are declining 11 to 16 times faster than the nation in 1/19 of the time. Combining those numbers, divorces in those cities are falling 200 to 300 times more quickly than are divorces in the U.S.
The Achilles’ heel of this movement is this: though 5,000 pastors have pledged to "train mature, married couples to serve as mentors to work with engaged couples, newlyweds, or those experiencing marital difficulties," we know of fewer than 10 full-fledged Marriage Savers churches. But what would happen if these churches actually became Marriage Savers churches? What if they actually trained couples in good marriages to help other couples to:
• Prepare couples for a lifelong marriage by giving them a premarital inventory and teaching communication and conflict resolution skills.
• Strengthen existing marriages by holding an annual retreat for couples.
• Restore 80–90 percent of troubled marriages by having back-from-the-brink couples who have survived adultery or alcoholism, coming alongside those who are considering divorce due to adultery or alcoholism, and saying, "We made it. You can too." The divorce rate could plunge even more dramatically.
We have written a new 166-page Manual To Create a Marriage Savers Congregation, detailing how to create mentoring programs. One chapter profiles five model Marriage Savers churches (posted on our web site: Marriagesavers.org).
Another chapter suggests that the first step to create a Marriage Savers congregation is to have an "exploratory team." This team would include church leaders, as well as couples with solid marriages, in the following categories: 20- to 40-year marriages without trauma; a couple in a healed relationship who once considered divorce; a stepfamily that has truly blended. This exploratory team should submit to their church board a written proposal to create mentoring programs for as many as five different marriage situations: premarital couples; existing marriages (to be refreshed); troubled marriages (to be saved); the separated (to help them to become reconciled); and stepfamilies (to help them to succeed). Subsequent sections of the manual provide step-by-step suggestions on how to create Marriage Mentor programs, based on the most successful models in America.
What God has joined together, let’s help the church hold together.
For more information on the Manual To Create a Marriage Savers Congregation contact Marriage Savers, Inc., 9311 Harrington Drive, Potomac, MD 20854, or phone 301-469-5873, fax 301-469-5871, E-mail: mjmcmanus@marriagesavers.org
—Michael J. McManus
P resident of Marriage Savers,®,
Potomac, Maryland. |
Divorce has virtually been eliminated in our congregation. Only a handful of divorces have taken place in the last 3 years in a congregation where approximately 13,000 people worship each week. Previously, our church, like most large churches, had been wracked by divorce, especially since Phoenix is located in a county with a 79-percent divorce rate. Additionally exciting is that during the last few years numerous couples have been reunited and even remarried to their original spouses after as many as 11 years of being divorced.
At Phoenix First Assembly, hardly a week goes by without either a separated or divorced couple being reunited. In fact, both Christian and secular counselors regularly refer hurting couples to our church, often when everyone else has given up on a seemingly hopeless situation.
EXPANDING THE INFLUENCE
As a result of the success of the Sunday school class, leaders of marriage and family ministries around the nation encouraged us to create and organize our ministry so other churches could implement a similar ministry. Out of that request came NAME—National Association of Marriage Enhancement—a ministry whose purpose and mission is to call both individual couples and churches back to biblically based, Christ-centered marriage ministry and to network with those who are involved in marriage ministry.
At NAME’s first annual International Marriage Conference in September 1996, we declared that we would begin to see a change in no-fault divorce laws in America within 1 year. Eleven months later, Louisiana passed the first covenant marriage law. Arizona passed a similar law the following year.
Many other states are now considering, and are attempting to pass, similar legislation. The legislation calls for an alternative marriage license for couples who agree to receive premarital counseling. Furthermore, these couples agree they will not divorce unless they can prove adultery, abuse, or abandonment. If adultery, abuse, or abandonment is proven, they can only divorce after a 2-year waiting period, during which time they agree to receive counseling for reconciliation.
THE SAFETY NET
Our marriage revival and its success are clearly the work of the Lord. Part of the strategy includes the development of a safety net so no marriage falls through the cracks. We utilize different styles of marriage ministry to create an environment where marriage is once again lifted up as the covenant God intended it to be. We view divorce and separation as the tragic consequences of an unregenerate lifestyle and not as easy options to get out of the hurting relationship.
Specific arms of the NAME ministry have been developed. One such arm that has spread across the nation is the NAME Center—a place where couples can receive couple-to-couple biblical counseling in a confidential and certified manner.
Another arm of the NAME ministry we developed was a video-training series to train husband-and-wife teams to perform basic biblical counseling. We believe God never intended for the senior pastor to spend an inordinate amount of his or her time counseling marriages. We believe lay couples who have been adequately trained can address the specific needs of couples and help them develop strong Christian marriages.
Each lay couple attends a biblical marriage counseling video-training seminar. The seminars are conducted by many top name marriage ministry leaders, such as Tommy Barnett, Ray Mossholder of Marriage Plus Ministries, Mike and Marilyn Phillipps of Marriage Ministries International, and others. After completing the training, the couple takes an examination. If they pass and submit a pastoral recommendation form, they become Certified Marriage Specialists. This certification is renewable annually as they continue membership in good standing in their church and receive Educational updates and further resources.
In just 2 years, we have established 27 NAME centers in the United States, Canada, Africa, and Australia, with South American and European locations opening shortly. A survey of these lay-counseling couples during a 6-month period showed that 91 percent of the couples who were separated when they came to the counselors were reconciled. During that same period, 83 percent of couples who were already in the process of divorce canceled their divorce proceedings.
Periodic seminars complement the Sunday school and lay counseling program with a more intensive concentration of teaching. Other aspects of the safety net include home cell groups for marriages utilizing the 13-week Married for Life! curriculum from Marriage Ministries International. The cell groups create a geometric progression of marriage discipleship that strengthens couples and equips them to study together the Word of God.
Other regular marriage ministry aspects of the safety net include: husbands meeting for early morning prayer; wives’ prayer groups and intercessory ministry; Bible studies for young marrieds; support and teaching groups for those who have been divorced and are now remarried, as well as studies for those who are waiting for the restoration of a broken marriage. Planned group social activities such as dinners for eight—a home dinner group for four couples at a time in which each couple shares their testimony—are part of couple-to-couple fellowship that creates healthy relationships within the local body.
The focus of a strong marriage ministry in the local church is to empower and release couples to serve in the body of Christ. Last year we sent out four couples from our marriage Sunday school class into full-time ministry, and many others have assumed leadership positions in the church. These couples now minister out of the strength of their own marriages.
Premarital preparation
Another important aspect of marriage ministry is premarital preparation. As a result of the covenant marriage law in our state, we developed a 6-week class called "Preparing for the Covenant of Marriage." The material consists of a couple’s workbook that includes 6 hours of audiocassette teaching along with a leader’s guide. This resource is designed for the busy pastor or lay leader who does not have sufficient time to conduct extensive premarital counseling. Couples planning to marry complete the workbook and then meet with their pastor or leader to discuss the questions from the leader’s guide. This premarital preparation helps couples understand the foundation for successful Christian marriage.
Marriage revival
Early last year several marriage ministries from across the country met to strategize for an upcoming marriage revival. Twenty-four organizations, including the Assemblies of God, FamilyLife Ministries, Focus on the Family, Promise Keepers, Marriage Plus, Marriage Ministries International, Marriage Savers, formed the Covenant Marriage Movement. These ministries are encouraging churches to have couples sign Covenant Marriage statement cards. This effort is increasing daily as churches become involved in counteracting divorce in today’s culture.
Focusing on marriage from the pulpit, especially during altar calls and invitations, is vital to creating a marriage-strengthening atmosphere in the local church. All of these things working together help create the safety net necessary to see miraculous restoration and reconciliation in your church.
As a result, city and state governments look to the church for leadership in addressing the breakdown of the family, asking for input to legislative committees or even pioneering marriage curriculum for public high schools. It is time for the church to tell the world that we understand marriage as a covenant.
In all of our efforts to reach the masses of marrieds, we have not lost sight of the impact our ministry can have on individual lives. When an 8-year-old girl runs up to give you a hug, crying, "Thank you for helping my daddy to come home!" you’ll know you have touched the heart of God.
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Leo Godzich is the president of National Association of Marriage Enhancement, and an associate pastor at First Assembly of God, Phoenix, Arizona. |
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