Table of Contents

Marriage, an Extended Romance

Also see "Inside the Pastoral Marriage"

God created humankind with sexual drive. With the creation of woman came the injunction that since she was taken from the side of man, the couple would become "one flesh." With this union the man was to leave his father and his mother for the woman’s sake and live with her under the smile of God’s approval.

Although God instituted marriage and provided men and women with the capacity to initiate and enjoy lovemaking, it becomes our responsibility to keep the fire of romance burning brightly. Without romance the best marriage will fail. Ministers must strive with enthusiasm to make their marriage happy and exemplary. The marriage relationship in the parsonage, whether by design or coincidence, becomes the model for marriage relationships in the homes of the parishioners as well.

Faced with the responsibility of setting a good example for the church—and the community—how do ministers and their spouses keep the marriage relationship interesting and desirable, even exciting at times? This cannot be accomplished unless the marriage itself rests on a bedrock of mutual love and admiration. If the initial attraction that brought a couple together has faded, the first step is to carefully rekindle the flame. Since the Scriptures enjoin the husband to love his wife (while requiring the wife to respect her husband), he must simply fill the God-given role of courting and wooing his mate with genuine affection. He will never stoop to coercion, bribes, or threats to satisfy his sexual urges. To do so is to reduce the act of lovemaking to the unethical practice of using one’s spouse.

While the husband recognizes his charge to be the keeper of the flame, the thoughtful wife sees herself as tinder, feeding the flame until it becomes a burning passion and delight. It is her role to be courted. She will be coy, flirtatious, making herself desirable for him to have and to hold. All of this becomes readily possible if care has been exercised in holding fast to the "first love" that initiated the union.

But tragedy lurks behind the bedroom curtains when either husband or wife must seek an artificial stimulus to enable an acceptable performance in bed. I recall with considerable sadness some personal friends, whose marriage and young family were destroyed because they ignored this major danger sign. Their relationship had regressed to the point that the wife found it necessary to read pornographic literature at bedtime before being able to respond to her husband. Within a few months the couple had separated. Divorce soon followed, depriving their two children of the right to a well-ordered upbringing and compromising a ministry that never recovered. Add to the above a troubled congregation to complete yet another of the thousands of similar sad sagas of arrested love affairs.

Here are a few suggestions for maintaining a wholesome marital relationship or possibly even salvaging an unhealthy one:

1. Talk frankly with your spouse about your sexual needs.
2. Work (yes, work!) at maintaining a loving, tender relationship.
3. Don’t let an argument turn into a standing feud. (Take the humble part.)
4. Occasionally, go together to a marriage seminar. (Regardless of the benefit, merely going will speak volumes to your mate.)
5. Should the relationship seem to be in trouble, don’t let the word "divorce" be uttered before going for counseling.

Make sure you are doing the little things that make for a happy union. For example, remember the special days each year that have romantic overtones for you and your spouse. Choose a romantic spot for dinner, or take a vacation now and then. Affirm your mate with sincere compliments. Dress for your companion, not for others. Take time to make yourself appealing to your mate. Learn to say the words "I love you" without inhibition. Don’t make your spouse assume your affection; express your love. Even if at times it seems hypocritical to utter the "three little words," you will never be judged unethical for your efforts. Finally, always honor your spouse, both in public (whether from the pulpit or in conversation) and in private.

Adapted from T. Burton Pierce, Ministerial Ethics: A Guide for Spirit-Filled Leaders (Springfield, Mo.: Gospel Publishing House, 1996). Used with permission.