Counselor’s Corner
People Helping in the Church
PART 2: A Biblical Model for Counseling in the 21st Century
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
The successful pastor/counselor will work with the counselee to accurately assess the current scenario, develop a clear picture of a preferred scenario, and then develop strategies for appropriate action. |
The previous article in this series (fall 1999 Enrichment) asserted that the 21st-century pastor must stay anchored and grounded in the changeless truths and principles of God’s Word to face the increasingly complex counseling problems in the congregation. Evangelism (saving the lost) and pastoral care (healing the saved) constitute the dual responsibilities of the church. Personal qualities of the pastor/counselor were examined along with a simple structure for the counseling relationship.
JESUS…THE WONDERFUL COUNSELOR
Parishioners seek help from their pastor when they are in crisis or are experiencing predictable life difficulties—the same kinds of concerns that were presented to the Lord Jesus. He was a great listener and responded appropriately to people’s concerns. Similarly, the successful pastor/counselor will work with the counselee to accurately assess the current scenario, develop a clear picture of a preferred scenario, and then develop strategies for appropriate action.1 In short, the pastor as counselor provides a realistic evaluation of what can be done by the counselee, helps identify unrealized potential, and assists the counselee to employ unseen opportunities.
The quality of the relationship between the pastor and counselee is derived from the pastor’s accurate empathy, warmth, genuineness, and authenticity. |
THE COUNSELING/HELPING RELATIONSHIP
The quality of the relationship between the pastor and counselee is derived from the pastor’s accurate empathy, warmth, genuineness, and authenticity. Furthermore, the counselee must perceive that the pastor has the credibility and experience to grasp the presenting concern. The pastor’s "presence" in the counseling relationship is an outgrowth of personal godliness, wisdom, character, integrity, and a reputation as one who keeps confidences.
The counseling relationship has the following phases:
1. The opening phase. Rapport is established, acceptance is offered, the counseling relationship responsibilities are defined, and the issues are identified.
2. The exploration phase. The problem’s nature, history, and complexity are determined. Problem solving, decision making, and goal planning are the major tasks of this phase.
3. The closing phase. Includes a plan of application, homework, a summary of major insights, required behavior changes, and prayer.
To enable each phase to be productive, the pastor must learn some basic attending, listening, and responding skills.
ATTENDING SKILLS
Attending is the use of one’s body, time, and space to indicate attention is being given to the counselee. Attending signals our interest in the other person. Egan (1998) describes attending in terms of the acronym SOLER: squared-up, open stance, lean toward the counselee, eye contact, relaxed.
The pastor’s "presence" in the counseling relationship is an outgrowth of personal godliness, wisdom, character, integrity, and a reputation as one who keeps confidences. |
Attending skills help equalize the power in the counseling relationship and allow the pastor to observe the nonverbal body language of the counselee. Attending begins when the counselee first enters your office. To help the counselee feel relaxed, offer a handshake and a drink of water or coffee.
The wise pastor will attend to the counselee’s body language. For example, eye contact regulates a relationship. Does the counselee glare, look defiant, or look away when discussing uncomfortable topics? Does the counselee’s posture communicate physical alertness, eagerness, or tiredness? Are facial expressions consistent with the topic being discussed?
Attend to the counselee’s tone of voice, rate of speech, and breathing patterns. For example, someone highly anxious might take short, quick breaths, while a depressed person might not breathe much at all. An angry person often exhales sharply when speaking.
In Western culture, appropriate conversational space, or "life space," in one-to-one relationships is approximately 3 to 5 feet. I have had couples come for counseling and sit at opposite ends of the couch, piling the pillows between them. This told me a great deal even before one word was spoken. In another marriage counseling case, a man directed his wife to sit on the couch while he pulled up a chair and sat next to me. His behavior implied that we, as "co-counselors," were going to "fix" his wife.
Prayer at the end of a session serves as a summary of important issues raised during counseling and helps counselees feel they are not alone in the change process. |
LISTENING SKILLS
James 1:19 urges believers to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (NIV). The pastor/counselor must listen carefully to what and how words are said.
1. Listen for relevant content. What topics are important to the counselee, and does he* share his inner life, thoughts, feelings, and significant others?
2. Listen for self-references. How does he refer to himself? Watch out for key words such as, "but," "can’t," "won’t," and, "I need." Often the word "can’t" really means "won’t."
3. Listen for his concept of God. Does the counselee see God as harsh, demanding, and difficult to please, or accepting, forgiving, and loving? Helping a counselee know, according to God, he is lovable, valuable, forgivable, and changeable presents a more accurate view of who God really is.
Attending is the use of one’s body, time, and space to indicate attention is being given to the counselee. Attending signals our interest in the other person. |
4. Listen for significant history. What were the formative experiences in the counselee’s life—the significant people, events, and experiences that helped shape his view of God, himself, and the world?
RESPONDING SKILLS
How the pastor/counselor responds to information presented by the counselee will either help or hinder the counseling process. Responding and questioning skills that assist the helping relationship include:
1. Silence. Amazingly, when we create a brief vacuum of silence, the counselee often continues to give useful information without the pastor/counselor having to ask "20 questions." How comfortable are you with moments of silence? Do you find yourself trying to fill each silent moment with another question?
2. Acceptance. A nod of the head, "OK," or "I see," allow the counselee to know he is being heard. Remember, acceptance does not necessarily mean you are agreeing with the counselee or approving of his choices. Jesus often modeled an acceptance of people even when He disapproved of their behavior.
Helping a counselee know, according to God, he is lovable, valuable, forgivable, and changeable presents a more accurate view of who God really is. |
3. Reflection/restatement. Many counselees speak without really hearing what they have actually just said. Reflecting or restating what the counselee said (in feeling and tone) allows him the opportunity to confirm or modify his statements.
4. Clarification. Statements or questions such as: "Explain what you mean by…."; "In what way?"; "You just said you were furious, what does that mean to you?"; "Say the same thing in a different way" are all examples of clarification leads.
Reflecting or restating what the counselee said (in feeling and tone) allows him the opportunity to confirm or modify his statements. |
5. Summary. The summary serves to tie together important thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; and is, perhaps, the most powerful lead. It is used at the beginning of subsequent sessions, during the counseling session, and at the end of a session. The rule is, don’t let more material go by than can be adequately summarized. Prayer at the end of a session serves as a summary of important issues raised during counseling and helps counselees feel they are not alone in the change process.
Attending, listening, and responding skills will greatly assist you in your important ministry of counseling. In the next issue, two important behavior change models—praying through (to deal with past hurts) and putting off the old self/putting on the new self (to deal with besetting sins and temptation)—will be presented.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
* While the male gender is used in this article, the material applies equally to females.
- Gerard Egan, The Skilled Helper (Pacific Grove, Calif.: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, 1998). This book is used in many Christian graduate counseling programs. The text provides a helpful overview of the stages of the counseling relationship.