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Helping your Teen Feel Good about Himself/Herself

By Jeenie Gordon

Growing up in a minister's home, I often heard my Mom ask, "What will the church people think?" 

Of course, pastors do not want their kids to bring shame to them or the cause of Christ. First Timothy 3:4 is an admonition to which ministers want to adhere. 

So, how can a PK grow up as a normal kid, who has a relatively good self-image?

Raisin' Young 'Uns Sit on the floor with your kids 10 minutes a day—and listen. Allow your children to be unique. Open your home to their friends—call them by name. Attend their school/community activities. Be fun to be around. Encourage, encourage, encourage. Pray.

What is Self-Respect?

Webster's states: "The thinking well of oneself is self-respect; the thinking too well of oneself is self-conceit." 

God's Word says, "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought" (Romans 12:3).* God wants us to have an honest and accurate view of ourselves. 

As parents, we want our children to grow up with healthy self-respect. When children have self-esteem, they will be more assertive—not overbearing or passive. They will be able to express their needs, set boundaries, be honest with themselves and others, and be more willing to take risks and closely follow the Lord. 

Here are some ways ministry parents can help their teens feel good about themselves.

Concentrate on Strengths

Avoid using all-inclusive words such as never or always—condemning, negative words. Rather, concentrate on your child's positive traits. Consider such things as: personality, helpfulness, friendliness, talents, courage, or doing a job or chore well. Get creative. Verbalize. Write it in a note.

Promote Compensation

As a timer of track events, I remember the first time I saw Johnny run—arms flailing wildly and each foot spastically crossing over the other. My admiration grew as I observed Johnny's diligence, perseverance, and struggle to achieve against a loaded deck of failure. Johnny learned to compensate. 

Help your teens learn ways to compensate for their weaknesses. Encourage them to try new things (i.e., cooking, community service, mechanics, involvement in school activities, musical groups). Help them find their niche.

Respect Individuality

Some children/teenagers love being a PK. Others, like Sam, are ashamed. Sam's dad pastored in a prosperous area. Most of his friends' fathers were doctors, lawyers—highly paid professionals. So, Sam embellished his father's position by stating he was a big shot in the district, rather than just a minister. Sam is now a pastor and understands how his low self-esteem as a kid spawned chagrin and lying. 

One pastor spoke about verbal communication differences between his children: "Jason was willing to wait to tell us something until the time was more appropriate; however, our daughter needed immediate attention, or it was lost." 

Every child is different and cannot be handled in cookie-cutter fashion.

Set Appropriate Boundaries

Whether a pastor or layman, parents must think through what is appropriate behavior and discipline for their family. 

One of the best things we can do for our kids (other than pray) is listen. Listening means we keep eye contact, sit close, say a lot of "uh huhs," give positive facial expressions, and keep quiet. We may be surprised at our children's insight and maturity. Treating them with respect teaches them respect. 

To promote appropriate boundaries is to have some of our own. Do not discuss your teens' faults in front of them like they're invisible. This is not to say a parent should never discuss concerns with a friend, family member, or professional; just make certain it is private. 

We have to allow our children to make mistakes and learn from them. If we overstep boundaries to rescue our children, they learn that their parents will fight their battles and believe they are incapable of doing so themselves. 

Jay Kesler, author of Ten Mistakes Parents Make With Teenagers, suggests parents need to respect their teens' opinions, property, and privacy. When teenagers find their parents have been snooping around, they are enraged and feel invaded, violated. Frankly, they have been. 

One exception: If you suspect drugs, go through their room, confront, and get a urine sample. Take action. Fast. 

One of the reasons teenagers turn us off is because we keep hammering away because we're scared. We know what bad companions and poor choices can do to our kids. Pounding it into them doesn't work. Instead, we need to let go a bit, trust our earlier instruction, and trust God.

Be An Encourager

Time is scarce in a pastor's home. He can be out every evening for meetings, to mow the church lawn, hospital visitation, to cart parishioners around—you name it. Always looking after the flock, yet sometimes neglecting family priorities. 

Here are some ways to make family important:

Encourage your children by spending quantity and quality time with them.

Be with your kids—physically and emotionally. When they have a sporting event, drama production—anything in the school or community in which they are involved—be on the front row. Every time.

Encourage them not to take themselves so seriously.

Lighten up. Have a lot of family fun—laugh, tease, act silly.

Encourage them to develop a grateful heart.

One way to count blessings is by using the ABC's—"Thank You, God, because You are awesome, boundless, care, defend.…"

Encourage them to practice happiness.

Laugh a lot. It's good for the soul. Solomon proclaims in Proverbs 17:22, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Happiness is a choice.

Most Important…Model Godliness

Let your children observe how a man and woman of God handle adversity. A pastor went through painful times, yet kept his children out of the church mess. When the dissenting group left, the pastor had the most fruitful years of his ministry. His kids were none the wiser, because he chose not to discuss congregational problems in front of them. 

If your kids are aware of the situation in the church, however, answer their questions discretely and age appropriately. 

When you blow it with your kids (and you will), ask forgiveness. They already know you're not perfect. 

My deceased mother (a licensed minister) was the most godly woman I've known. She knew how to pray—to commune with her Father. She modeled godliness.

With hard work and God's grace, you can help your teen feel good about himself/herself.

*Scripture references are from the New International Version.

Jeenie Gordon, M.S., M.A., M.F.C.C., is a licensed marriage, family, child therapist, Hacienda Heights, California.