Table of Contents

Managing Church Conflict Creatively (Part 3)

Part 1 and Part 2.

In Part 3 we will consider how to achieve clarity of communication in meetings.

Love often expresses itself in honest confrontation. Differences of opinion do not necessarily equate with an absence of love. Remember, the six interpretations of every spoken communication are:

1. What the speaker intended to say.
2. What the speaker actually said.
3. What the speaker thought he or she said.
4. What the hearer needed to hear.
5. What the hearer actually heard.
6. What the hearer thought he or she heard.

Pastors, you should work toward creating clear communication in your meetings. Transferring thoughts and feelings from one mind to another is a complex and difficult challenge under any circumstance. The deeper the feelings of either party involved, the more difficult it becomes. But it’s not impossible.

GUIDELINES FOR COMMUNICATING UNDER PRESSURE

Here are some guidelines for communicating under pressure that you may wish to share with your church leadership for future times of deliberation together. Of course, every churchwide or committee/departmental meeting should begin with prayer for open minds and the guidance of the Holy Spirit in arriving at the best possible resolution of all issues to be considered.

• In your deliberations, try to use more I statements than you statements. I statements tend to be informative: “I feel we should get started on…,” or “I think it would be good for the church if we.…” You statements tend to be blaming: “You make me so angry,” or “You always want the decisions to go your way.” If you need to express anger, then own that anger and express it something like this: “When we talk about this subject, I tend to feel angry because.…” Do you see how different—and how much less accusing—that sounds?

Stating things in terms of what you feel and what you believe is needed will undoubtedly prove more effective than complaining about what is lacking in someone else’s suggestion.

• Give supportive feedback when people are willing to express their thoughts. Statements such as “I’m glad you feel secure enough to express your feelings,” “Thank you for sharing your ideas and feelings,” or “You are a valuable member of this committee” will encourage more openness and honest dialogue—qualities which are sorely needed in the church.

• Watch for metacommunication. Meta- communication is a message about the message. For example, if I come to a troubled situation and say, “As I was praying the other night, the Lord spoke to me about this,” I’m sending a message about the message I’m just about to give you. I’m telling you, “Don’t challenge this; the Lord spoke to me.” It comes across that the Lord never talks to anybody else.

If everybody sends that kind of message about their message before they give it, it’s going to be obvious that somebody’s mistaken. So watch for the messages about the message.

• Flag unnecessarily provocative words. Instead of telling someone, “You’re wrong about that,” learn how to say, “It might be viewed from this point of view.” You could also say, “I’ve listened to our discussion, and it certainly helped me to see things a bit differently,” or “While I was listening, it occurred to me that another way of looking at it might be.…”

ABC’S OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Let me share a simple ABC formula for good communication when you are involved in emotionally charged and difficult meetings.

A—Accept each other. Whether you always approve of other members’ ideas, you should still be able to accept each other as valued members of the local body and the body of Christ.

B—Become a good listener. Good listeners indicate they are hearing what is being said. They stop what they are doing; they don’t doodle or skim through correspondence while someone else is speaking. They pay attention and indicate they are listening by facial expressions and appropriately responding with words or a nod of the head.

C—Choose your words carefully. Words that are thoughtfully selected and properly expressed can provide direction and healing. But if words are carelessly selected and thoughtlessly used, they can be incredibly hurtful and destructive. Here are some suggestions to help you choose your words carefully.

1. Let the other person finish what he or she is saying before you attempt to answer. Don’t interrupt.

2. Restate what you think the other person has said before you attempt to answer. You earn the right to respond by first proving that you have clearly understood what was said. You could say, “If I understood you right, you said.…” This gives the speaker a chance to clarify any misunderstandings.

3. Prior to the meeting—
a. Monitor your thoughts on the difficult issues you are going to be discussing.
b. Edit them for accuracy and clarity.
c. Mentally rehearse how you are going to present them to the group.

FOUR RULES FOR A “FAIR FIGHT”

When it becomes obvious that there are major differences of opinion and the road to resolution is going to be a long and difficult one, remember these four rules for a “fair fight.” I most often share these with married couples who have communication problems; however, they are certainly applicable to such intense situations as difficult church board and committee meetings.

1. Stick to the subject. Don’t dig up last month’s garbage.

2. Don’t “fight” dirty. Don’t say things that are primarily designed to express your anger and hurt the other person. This makes your job more difficult and produces memories that are hard to erase.

3. Learn how to negotiate. Make the department, program, congregation, and the body of Christ the real winners. Put their needs ahead of your need to win. This doesn’t mean you go 50/50 all the time. Sometimes you will have to go 60/40, 80/20, or even 90/10. Of course, not every decision can be reached through compromise, but be willing to use it whenever and wherever it works.

4. Stay good humored. Learn to see your disagreements in light of that little transitional phrase from the Gospels: “It came to pass.” Remember, the vast majority of your differences will “come to pass.”

By following these various guidelines, you teach people in your departments and on your board to express themselves in a way that allows for a variety of viewpoints without their being afraid they are offending God.

Part 4 will cover how to arrive at a satisfactory decision.

Richard D. Dobbins, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and founder and clinical director of EMERGE Ministries, Akron, Ohio.