Table of Contents

BY BILL CARMICHAEL

PART 1: The Problems and Benefits

Articles on preachers' kids will appear periodically to highlight the unique issues children of ministers face.

I am not a preacher's kid, but my children are. My father was a building contractor, so I was not in the spotlight as my children have been. There are obvious pros and cons of growing up in a minister's home. PKs face unique challenges.

I have visited with many pastors and minister friends and observed their children and family interactions. For most of us, our children are our greatest joy and, at times, our greatest frustration and heartache. Let's be honest. There is no such thing as the perfect family, the perfect parent, or the perfect child-including those of us in ministry.

In this first of two articles, I'll discuss potential problems in the lives of ministers and their children and the potential benefits of raising children in a minister's home.

THE PROBLEMS

Hypocrisy

Nothing is more harmful to our children than to live in a home where we say one thing in the pulpit and act another way at home. Leading double lives is one of the most damaging things our children face. Ministers often feel pressured to lead perfect lives. We all know it is not possible, so why are we tempted to play this role? Do our congregations expect us to be a notch above everyone else?

Somewhere along the line, we inadvertently adopted the unwritten behavior pattern that overcoming Christians are never angry, never depressed, never sick, never upset with a spouse or child-always happy. If ministers try to live that way, they run the risk of not only destroying their health, but their children will see the fallacy of such nonsense and may even reject the gospel message as unreal and irrelevant. God knows we are a needy people, and the people we minister to need to know it too. It is out of our needs that we see God work. When we show we are also in need of God's help and grace, the people who follow our ministry will see the reality of God working in us. And most importantly, our children need to see God working in us.

Dirty Linen

Pastors have to deal with all sorts of problems within their congregation. An effective, growing church is more like a spiritual hospital. People's lives are messed up in sin. Ugly things happen. Sexual sin, divorce, addiction, depression, bitterness-it all crosses our desks. If ministers bring this "dirty linen" home and discuss it in front of their children, they do them a great disservice. It is important that our children do not pick up our grievance or frustration. They should not be given either the burden or the right to hear about other people's problems and sins. Believe me, they will see plenty of problems without us calling attention to them.

Spotlight

PKs live in a glass bubble. Expectations are high. Some people in our congregations may have a habit of forgetting that all children are born in sin, including the preacher's kids. Many congregation members absolve their guilt about their children's behavior by pointing out the flaws they see in PKs.

Ministers need to be aware that their children are in many ways on trial, not only among church members but in the community as well. Reminding our congregations that we and our children are human-subject to sin and in need of God's grace-is one way to help thwart this problem. We must never fall into the trap of requiring our children to live up to other people's expectations. However, we all are called to try to live up to God's expectations, but none of us fully succeed.

Abandonment

Abandonment of children does not just happen in homes when a parent physically moves out and ceases to have contact with his or her children. PKs can feel abandoned when our ministry lives are too full of other things or are out of sync. Saying, "You matter to me more than everything else in the world," and then letting everything else in the world eat up all our time tells our kids that our words are hollow and meaningless.

Being there means we are not only physically there, but our eyes, our affection, and our interest are there too. We must be real enough to occasionally kick up our heels and have a good time with our children.

Isolation

Missionary children are physically isolated from their culture by living in a foreign country. They are further isolated if they are sent to boarding school. PKs of ministry parents who pastor small churches with few children in the church can also feel isolated. Sometimes our children feel isolated socially as well. Ministry parents may not understand how not attending or participating in certain social activities make their children feel isolated.

Missionary parents should bring their children's feelings of cultural isolation out in the open and provide a framework for them to express their feelings. If our convictions restrict our children's social activities, we shouldn't just say "No, because we told you so." Rather, we should discuss with them the reasons behind our decisions. Then when they feel isolated, we can offer options for them or at least empathize with them.

THE BENEFITS

Seeing God Work

A wonderful benefit of being a PK is the opportunity to see God work. When our children frequently participate in our ministry, they see faith at work in the lives of others. When God moves in our lives and in the congregation, the extra spiritual exposure spills off onto our children. Nothing has been more gratifying in my ministry than to see God's Holy Spirit not only sweep over a congregation but to see my children caught up in earnest worship.

We may think our children, sitting on the front row drawing doodles on a piece of paper during our sermons, are not absorbing anything, but they are. Hours of pew sitting bring rewards. Many PKs have a better knowledge of the Bible and doctrine than other children.

In addition, the theology taught through most of our hymns and choruses will stick with them forever. Most of us raised in church can sing from memory dozens of hymns-the majority contain excellent theology.

Increased Opportunities

PKs who participate in church life and their family's ministry have increased opportunities to discover their giftedness in areas of music, hospitality, verbal communication skills, and leadership skills. Many of today's well-known Christian music artists were raised in ministers' homes.

In Part 2, I'll offer suggestions on how we can help our PKs overcome the difficulties they may face.

Bill Carmichael, an Assemblies of God minister, is founding publisher of Christian Parenting Today and Virtue magazines and author of Lord, Bless My Child and Habits of a Healthy Home. For information about a family seminar in your church, call 541-549-0176.